My Journal

	Web mygastricbypass.com

I've been overweight since I can remember.  One time I was shopping with my mother and asked her what size I took, she replied 6X.  I asked X for extra special, and she said no, X for extra large.  In third grade I had to get a black one-piece bathing suit because you looked thinner in it.  By 6th grade I was already on Weight Watchers and by 8th grade I was taken to the doctor for my first diet pills.   500 pounds didn’t happen overnight and just the thought of losing over 300 pounds seemed impossible to me.

I had been thinking about some type of drastic means to lose weight for years.  I truly thought that this was the way that I'd have to live my life.  At one time intestinal bypass was a possibility, but I wasn't happy about the side effects.   I'd never have my jaws wired (that was too much of an advertisement to the world that I was weak and not in control.)  I remember begging my doctor for the balloon when that came out. Go figure, he didn't like it.  So as a result, I just kept on eating and eating and eating.  Functioning in a "normal" sized world was becoming more and more difficult.  I could ignore the looks and comments from rude people and small children, but I could also see how it was affecting my husband, my family and my job.  And I didn't like that, but I still kept eating.

Finally in January of '98 I got the nerve to do a little research on the internet and checked out Dr Fobi's site.  He was the only doctor I knew of that did this stomach stapling surgery.  It probably took me two months just to get up the nerve to send an email to get the information on his program.  I kept telling myself that it was just an email.  I was committing to nothing.  No one but me would know that I ever sent for this information.  I was scared to death.  Once I had the information, it took me weeks to tell my husband that this was something I wanted to do.   Initially he thought that I was taking the easy way out.  But he didn't have a clue just how desperate I was.  In his frustration about me, he spoke to people he worked with and discovered that one woman's son had the very surgery that I wanted, and that there was a doctor here in Las Vegas that performed this surgery.  I sure was relieved to find out that I wouldn't have to go to California, and called Dr. Fisher's office right away to get information on his program.

I managed to get the necessary paperwork on this program before I attended my first seminar.  Due to my many ongoing health problems I already had many of the medical tests completed before I even heard a word from Dr. Fisher's mouth.  My first seminar was in August of '98 and I was petrified.  I asked my husband to go with me for support and to educate him as well as me.  After that seminar he realized that this was anything but a quick fix or an easy way out.  If this was something that I wanted to do, he would support me all the way, and he has kept his word on that.  It hasn't always been easy, but he's been by my side the each and every step.

Because I had so many medical tests completed before this seminar, I was anxious to get this surgery done ASAP.  Foolishly I thought that it was a matter of just meeting with the doctor and scheduling the surgery.  Little did I know what the next few months would bring me and how they would test me physically, mentally and spiritually.

Probably about two weeks after this first seminar I met with Dr. Fisher's nurse, who told me what other tests I would have to have completed.  Part of this whole ordeal was getting approval from the insurance company.  The testing was thorough, blood work, glucose tolerance test, a night at a sleep clinic (for sleep apnea), gall bladder ultrasound, upper GI, cardiac tests and pulmonary tests to name a few.  While I was having all these done, I asked my sister and some friends to attend another seminar with me.  I was looking for all the support I could get, and relied very heavily on my family and these friends during this time.  Wasn't I surprised to learn that I was also suffering from depression?  In looking back I can now see that I was doing nothing but sleeping and working, and the work thing wasn't going all that well.  I was put on medication to help with the depression with pretty fast results.

Finally came the day of my first appointment with Dr. Fisher.  My husband attended with me, and the doctor spent well over an hour with me, questioning me extensively about my health, goals and limitations.  He also questioned my husband concerning his fears and addressed any issues and questions that we had at that time.   This was sometime late in September.  At this point, the process had gone on for nearly six weeks.  Dr. Fisher had me scheduled for surgery, but not until October 26th.  MORE THAN ONE MONTH AWAY!  I was devastated, but had no choice.   Now I know what a wise decision that was on his part.  Waiting that additional month gave me time to come to terms with my decision and be truly sure that this was what I wanted.  During that time I also attended yet another seminar, and browsed Dr. Fisher's web site on a daily basis.  (Many times more than once a day!)  The closer I got to surgery the more sure I became that this was the answer for me and the more at peace with myself I became. 
 

During this time, as a type of therapy for me I started to keep a journal or sorts.  For the month before my surgery, I wrote some feelings down, and every night listed three things that I hoped to be able to do after I had lost weight.  I'd like to share some of these with you.

9-25-98  A new journal of sorts.  31 days till gastric bypass surgery.  It seems so very far away, but lots to do till then.  Had an appointment with Cindy today.  Very enlightening.  I could talk with her for hours.  I'd like to see her again.  She answered a lot of surgery questions for me.   Things I'll be able to do when I'm thin: 

9-26-98  Thirty days!  Having a hard time with my boss, he's riding my butt...and it's not helping!

9-27-98  29 days to go.  Finally got in touch with Aunt C.   Talked for over four hours.  Whew!  She talks a lot of sense and I can truly feel her love.  I feel like I got a little touch of Mom today.

9-28-98  28 days to go.  Tried all day to get in touch with Cindy and Bonnie.  No reply.  Hope they call tomorrow.  I can't face a whole week of work!

9-29-98  27!!  Things a little better at work.  Just have to get a note from the doc so they will lighten up on me a little. 

9-30-98  26 to go.   Heard from Bonnie and Cindy.  Cindy thinks working 4 days a great idea but can't get a letter from doc till Fri. 

10-1-98  25!  Saw Dr P. today.  He says at leat 2-3 weeks for sleep study.  We need to hurry it up so it won't complicate approval for insurance company. 

10-2-98  24 to go  Long day at work.  First day of new meds.  Hope it works well, I'm tired of feeling so bad.  Got a teddy bear and card from Aunt C and a nice card from Dionne. 

10-4-98  22 away  Aunt C  called today.  I'm so lucky to have her support and that of my friends at work.   

10-5-98  Three weeks to go.  Will it ever arrive? 

10-6-98  20 more!  A pretty good day.  Feeling a little better.  Trying to get meds straight.  Go for sleep study the 15th.

10-7-98  19............long, long day

10-8-98  18 to go. Another bear from Aunt C.  Made dinner, first time in months I think.

10-10-98  16  Slow day, still stressed over getting insurance approval.  Cathy sent a beautiful bath basket. 

10-11-98  Cathy called today.  Feeling a little better, only napped about 15 minutes

10-12-98  Two weeks to surgery.  Gotta hope and pray it all comes together. 

10-13-98  A long, long day, lots of paperwork to go through at work.  Got a card from Charlotte Ann and Aunt C. 

10-16-98  10 more!  Last night was the sleep study, what an ordeal!  Heard from the insurance company today.  They will cover the bypass but denied the panniculectomy.  Dr Fisher asked to appeal.  I just have to believe that the pieces are all going to fall into place and that it will get approved.   

10-17-98  9 more.  Long day again.  Just two more work days to muddle through. 

10-19-98  One week to go.  7 days from now, it will be all over. 

10-20-98  6 days  Well, the first appeal was denied.   Called Bonnie, she will check to see if the pictures were sent in.  Just trying to keep it together till I see the doctor.  Heard from Cindy today.  She told me to call the insurance company to fight my own fight.  Talked to Brooke who said all is covered except the doctor's fee for 2nd surgery.  Trying to cover all bases. 

10-22-98  3 days to wait, 4 till surgery.  Had appointment with Dr. Fisher today.  Got all papers signed.  Insurance turned down the 2nd appeal so I'll have to pay the difference.  Did preadmission at the hospital, now I just have to wait it out.  Aunt C called tonight.  She's been wonderful.  Cathy too.  Just have to keep myself busy the next few days.  Easier said than done I think! 

10-24-98  Tomorrow, then surgery day!  Paid doctor and cleaned the house.  Won some money at Samstown too.  Every little bit helps! 

10-25-98  Tomorrow is the big day.  Spent the day tying up loose ends and on the phone.  Went to the Outback for supper then NPO after 8pm.  I'm nervous and anxious and a little scared but I have faith everything will go well.

This was all I wrote before surgery.  After 5 days in the hospital I finally came home.  Recovery was somewhat difficult as I had some problems with my incision.  Because of my large size, I had two operations, the gastric bypass and also a panniculectomy to remove the apron of flesh that was reaching down nearly to my knees.  Most of my recovery time was spent establishing a new relationship with food.   Learning how to eat again was very difficult.  The surgery took all the pleasure out of eating for me for several months.  I call that the honeymoon period.   Because I didn't want to eat, dropping the weight was easy.  One thing I did well postop was vomit!  Talk about behavior modification.......easy lesson, you eat fast or took much....you puke!  The first thing I would ask people when I went to their homes was where the bathroom was in case I had to make a mad dash.

Several months after surgery I wrote this:

3-4-99  Just reread all I wrote before surgery.  So far I've lost 172 pounds.  I've gone from a 5X to 3X and I can wear 24 1/2 clothes.  Most of the things I was hoping to be able to do I can do again.  I'm wearing a seat belt, and the steering wheel is back to normal position.  I still can't go up the stairs but I'm ok going down them.  I've pitched all my asthma meds.  No more problems breathing and am sleeping well.  I'm well rested and feeling great.  I'm able to do so much more at work.  I also weaned myself off the anti-depressant too.  I still vomit about once every 2 weeks but eating has gotten much easier.  I think I'm starting to get hunger pains again and that scares me.  If I get an appetite back, will  backslide?  I pray not. 

6-9-99  Worked out tonight.  As of today I've lost 219 pounds.   Feeling great.  Who would ever think that I'd ever look forward to working out?  Just feels as though I'm doing something really good for myself.  Still losing a lot of hair.  It kind of scares me.  I don't see any bald spots, but I sure can see a lot of scalp.  But this too shall pass.  Bob's been grumpy lately.  Guess I'm just so full of energy that he gets no rest anymore.  Bill comes next week.  Guess he'll be really surprised at the changes in me.  That will be a treat seeing his reaction.

7-1-99  Woohoo!  Went to the doctor today.  Down 234 pounds.  Thought I had plateaued but I guess not!  Talked to the boss about future jobs.  Keeping my fingers crossed with that too.

There is so much more I could tell you about the past year and I will continue to do so.  This is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  One thing I really want to stress is how very important the support groups run by Dr. Fisher are.   They have helped me tremendously.  From the group I've been able to get an idea of what lies ahead of me, and have hopefully learned from other's mistakes.   I've come a long way, but still have a distance to go, but I WILL DO IT!  If I can be of any help to anyone, please feel free to email me.  And please sign my guestbook and give me feedback on this site.  This will continue to be a work in progress.

1-16-00  Just some thoughts on the changes the past 15 months have brought on my life.  As I mentioned before, the first few weeks after surgery were all about re-learning how to eat.  Initially I was on pureed foods.  Yecccchhhh!  I rapidly became a vegetarian, as I just couldn't deal with pureed meats.  I existed mainly on broth, Jell-O, applesauce, pureed fruits, yogurt and cottage cheese.  After a few weeks I could tolerate a scrambled egg, chicken noodle soup, cream of wheat and maybe some pasta.  Eating became an ordeal as there was so much that would make me sick or cause pain.  Many times though, the reason I got sick was because I ate too fast, didn't chew enough or took too big a bite.  No more joining the clean plate club.  My dogs and husband were gaining weight from my leftovers!  The weight was just falling off of me and I was a very happy camper. 

Thanksgiving presented no problem to me as I was just one month post op and had no desire to eat.  A dear friend brought over a turkey platter for my husband so even though there was no leftovers, he still had his turkey and pumpkin pie.  By the time Christmas rolled around I was eating regular foods again but was extremely picky as to what I was going to send down.  I had a morsel of turkey and a taste of this and that......and vomited too!  Fortunately, my friends and family had gotten used to my mad dashes! 

I had attended a support group or two before Christmas, but was very scared to go to them, so I kept blowing them off.  By the time I went back to work in January I was committed to going to group once a month.  Now I find the support group so important that I've had my work schedule changed so I can attend twice a month.   Dr Fisher is at every meeting and answers so many of our questions, but I find I learn so much from people who are further out from surgery than I.  When they talk about things that have happened to them, or problems they have had with certain foods or situations it gives me some idea of what is ahead for me.  Then when I have that problem with food or am presented with a similar situation it doesn't scare me or take me by surprise because I already had an idea of what would happen.  I've made some wonderful friends at group and love to see the changes in everyone from week to week or month to month. 

Going back to work was also scary too as very few people knew of my plans for surgery.  There was an inner circle that knew, and of course management but for the most part people thought I was having my knees replaced.  You can imagine the reaction when I came back having lost 128 pounds.  Mind you, I was still pretty big, 372 at that time with a long way to go, but I found that I loved the attention I was getting.  I could wear dresses and skirts and was getting around so much better.   People would love to go to lunch with me just to see what I would eat.   "Is that all you're having?"  I heard that a lot.  I pretty much stuck with soup or yogurt at work because I was afraid of getting sick.   Certainly there were times that I would, and my coworkers got used to that too.

Soon I started using the gym at work and found a whole new world.   Who would ever think that I would want my very own treadmill?  I was working out three day a week, using the treadmill and other weight machines.  My social life was picking up as well.  Suddenly there weren't enough hours in the day or the weekend.  I'd go to the movies (and fit in the seat!) or shopping at the mall.   I was gardening and fixing up my house too.  My poor husband got no rest on the weekends!  To think of all the time I used to spend in my nightgown, eating or watching TV.  I've wasted so much of my life just because I loved to eat.  Food was my world, but now I've found a whole new world out there and can't wait to explore it all!

About six months out of surgery a frightening thing happened.  I GOT MY APPETITE BACK!  Not only did food look and smell good it now tasted good and I found I was actually getting hunger pains. Now I don't know about you, but I never ate when I was hungry.  I needed no excuse to eat.  I pretty much ate all the time.   So I was never hungry or heard my stomach growl.  Imaging my surprise when one night I was lying in bed and felt something weird in my stomach.  Oh my God.....I must be hungry!  What I have found is that when I get a desire for a food is usually when I can tolerate it.  For example, around Christmas I tried a cold peeled shrimp, and puked.  Around April, I suddenly wanted fish and shrimp and could hold it down.   For the longest time I was on a radish kick.  Just couldn't get enough of them.  I think it was the crunch that I wanted.  I also went through a pickle spell too!  This sure had my husband scratching his head. 

I've been very lucky that I haven't gotten my sweet tooth back.  I just love candies, cookies, pies and cakes.  A pint of Ben and Jerry's wouldn't hurt my feelings either.  Dr Fisher explains in this seminars about "dumping".   This has to do with the way we are reconstructed.  It seems the intestines don't like sugar much and when you send some down you get pretty sick with either vomiting or diarrhea.  So as a result, if sugar is one of the first three ingredients listed, it will probably make us dump.  Now this isn't something that I really would look forward to, so I avoid sugar at all costs.  

There are some foods that are restricted after surgery.  These are lifetime restrictions too.  Any carbonated beverage, celery, corn, raw string beans and chewing gum.  As Dr Fisher says, you wouldn't want to swallow a bomb would you?   Any of these foods could cause our staple line to rupture or get caught in the pouch (which I imagine would hurt like hell!)  Granted, there are probably some people who do eat these foods and have no problems, but that's not a chance I would want to take. 

One more thing about the sugar issue.  Dr Fisher says 7 of every 10 people have dumping.  I'm not convinced that I do have it.  I've certainly tried one cookie (Snackwell), a taste of cheesecake or a chocolate kiss.  (Heck, I'm only human!)  I've waited for the dumping to begin but it hasn't.  Now does that mean that I can eat sugar?  Maybe.  Or does it mean that I didn't consume enough.   I don't know.  Either way, I need to believe that sugar will make me violently ill.  If I find that I can eat chocolate I'll end up eating a whole Hershey bar, because just a taste wouldn't be enough.  So just the thought of dumping works for me.  And truthfully, I really haven't had a desire for sweets so it's not an issue for me.

Within the past four months we've started eating in restaurants again.   Now that is a whole new world.  I generally won't go out unless we have a coupon or are comped.  It's just a huge waste of money.  Part of the challenge is to find something that I will want to eat three or four times.  I can usually get that many meals out of one regular sized meal.  Sometimes we will just order one meal and get a second plate, or I will get the food to go and eat out of that.  The waiters and waitresses sometimes get stressed that I don't eat much.  They think that something is wrong with the food and offer to bring me something else.  They also don't like if you don't drink with your meal.  They just can't understand why you don't have that coffee or soda.  One of the rules Dr Fisher gives us is nothing to drink 20 minutes before or 45 minutes after a meal.  It's very important that the food stays in your pouch and doesn't get washed down.  Not to mention that it would be incredibly painful to do as well.  And I for one do not like pain! 

Something I've found very curious is how I have become acceptable to "normal sized" people.  It's funny how you can weigh 500 pounds but yet be invisible.  I think that comes because my size embarrassed people so it was easier for them to pretend I didn't exist.  I was probably known as "that fat woman".  You know, "That fat woman at table 4 wants dessert."   How I hated my life then.  People looked and stared.  Children were incredibly cruel  "Mommy, why is that lady so fat?  Why is your belly so big?"  I avoided eye contact with people because I usually saw pity or contempt.   The bias and discrimination happened on a daily basis, and I hated it.  I hoped no one in my family would die because I couldn't fit on a plane to attend the funeral.  I had to buy a minivan as that was the only vehicle I could fit behind.  

Now I have become visible, and love it.  People talk to me everywhere and I talk back.  I'm sure part of that is because I've emerged from that wall of fat that no one could see through.  Clothes are a problem because for the first 10 months or so I was dropping sizes so fast I'd wear something twice and then it would be too big.   I find that now I want clothes to fit me well, not be big and baggy.  I'm finally getting a shape and love to show it off!  I have a lot of excess skin and will probably have plastic surgery later to deal with that, but first I need to get used to the new me. 

I've been very fortunate and gotten an incredible amount of support from my family and friends.  This road would have been so very hard to travel without them.  I thank you all for that.  You'll never know just how much it's meant to me.  I couldn't have come this far alone.

And a special note to you that are considering this surgery.  Be sure that this is what you want.  It's not a cure, but just a way to a means.  I can give you a hammer but if you don't know how to use it you'll never build anything.   Dr Fisher has given me a tool that helps restrict how I eat and that's all it does.   What I eat and when I eat and how much I eat is up to me.  It is very possible to gain weight even with the bypass.  I know of someone who went on a Slurpy diet, about 8 of them a day and surprise!  He gained weight.  The support group and input from Dr Fisher is just as important as the surgery.  I hope you are lucky enough to have that as well.  Please feel free to write me any questions about this.   Also in Dr Fisher's site there are links to other patients who would be happy to answer your questions too.

2-20-2000  Well, it's been a while since I wrote anything.  I've been hovering between 207 and 209 for five weeks now.  Talk about a plateau!   It's been real frustrating, and I've been doing everything I could to break free of it.  Increased my exercising, doing Tae Bo, counting calories.  I've been squeaky clean and finally it broke.  I've lost 6 lbs in the past 4 days.  Down to 201 as of  today, so now I'm rethinking about my goal weight, maybe instead of 175 I'll go for 160.  But first, I want to move the scale down a big notch, from 200 to 150.  Wish me luck!

3-14-00  Well, here we are again.  I admit that I haven't been as good about journaling as I should be.  I promise I'll try better in the future.   So much to write about and where to start.  My life has gotten so very busy that I had to go out and buy a day planner.  Never did I think I'd have to check my schedule for anything but eating or where we were going to eat!

I've just gone through the plateau from hell and am here to talk about it.   Five long weeks of the scale going from 207 to 209.  Plateaus are a weight loss fact of life but they still bite the big one.  It's tremendously hard to stay on course when nothing is happening.  I try so hard not to get hung up on the numbers on the scale, but it's so very hard not too.  In my "sane" mind I know that plateaus happen and that while I may not be losing weight my body is reshaping itself.   I can see the changes by the way my clothes fit, but still so damn frustrating!   I even found myself questioning Dr Fisher.  Did he know something I didn't know?  One time he told me that he didn't think I would. get below 200 because he felt that a person doesn't get to 500 pounds just by eating.  That there was more working against me than just food (genetics and who knows what else)!  When he said this to me my reply was that I wanted to prove him wrong.  He said, "Go ahead, I love to be wrong."  I felt that he was challenging me and accepted the challenge.  But now that I was struggling so much, I started thinking that maybe in his experience people who started out my size just couldn't get below 200.  I brought it up at support and surprised myself by how emotional I was over it.  Dr Fisher told me then that he would say anything to motivate a person to lose weight.  I went home feeling somewhat better but still pissed at that damn scale.  I mean I was doing everything I knew how to do!  Counting calories, measuring my portions, keeping a food journal, using the treadmill and doing Tae Bo.  What was left?

Doesn't it figure that two days later the scale finally moved.   Within 5 days I was down to 201 and suddenly that 200 hurdle was within grasp.   After going through these weeks of hell I knew that it would happen and felt much more secure and confident that it was just a matter of days. 

My husband then made a surprise move.  He told me that when a person bowls a perfect game the score is 300 and that they then get a diamond ring.  He felt bad that he did nothing after I had lost 100 pounds, and 200 pounds came along so fast that he blew that off but he felt that losing 300 pounds should  be recognized and wanted to buy me a diamond ring.  What a man I married!  But to tell you the truth, he could have just sent me flowers.......but you can be sure I took the ring!   (I may be blonde but I'm no fool!)  Within 2 days after we got the ring my scale at home read 200.  Yahoo!  I was finally there, with two weeks to go before I went to support group.

I continued on being "squeaky clean" because I was determined to weigh in less than 200 on Dr Fisher's scale.  Now almost anyone can tell you that the scale at the doctor's office is off!  Finally the day came, Tuesday March 7th.   I wore the lightest clothes I could find, and of course weighed myself before I left for support.  197 at home so I had hopes but I knew that his scale was usually 5 pounds more than mine.  When I got to support I saw my friend Leasha and told her that she needed to come with me as this could be a "big" moment.  Dr Fisher sprung up too and they both went with me to the scale.  I put the big weight on 200 and the scale tipped down.  OMG!  I was going to weigh in less than 200!   My hand shook so much I couldn't move the weight.  Leasha had to weigh me and I WAS 198!!!!  Hugs and screaming all around.  I never, ever thought I'd be below 200 in this lifetime.  How nice that this happened at support in the midst of all my friends and compadres.  Who better could know what I've been through and how far I've come.  I'm so glad that I had these wonderful people to share it with.  

And before I close with this entry just a few more thoughts.  For various reasons I don't have a clothes dryer so I hang my laundry outside.  I noticed the other day that I don't have as much wash to do.  Not that there are less clothes, but that there is less material in my clothes.  So as a result, I don't have to do three loads of dark clothes.  Also, my laundry takes up less space on the line now too.  It's easier to roll over in bed now, and I don't get tangled in my nightgown either.  That's because I can lift my butt up to move now!  And finally......I have clothes in my closet that are size SMALL.  And they fit too!  I'm a 14 now, between a medium and a small.  And thanks again to you all for your kind words and emails. 

4-22-2000  Ok, so I know it's been a while.  What can I tell you?  I've been through a mini plateau again.  But perseverance won out, and the scale has moved again :o)  As of this morning I was 192.  Whoopee!  I also just celebrated my birthday.  Wow, 44 years old!  Seems like there was a time that I doubted that I'd live to see another birthday, and now I hope to have many, many more!  I did however learn a valuable lesson.  In the 18 months since my surgery I haven't had any sugar.  I've been reading labels religiously, being sure not to eat anything that had sugar in the first 3 ingredients.  Now I'm sure that some sugars have gotten past my lips, and I've lived to tell about it, but never, ever did I do it on purpose. 

Well, my team at work got me a cake to celebrate my birthday and as I was cutting it and passing it out some icing got on my fingers.  Now normally I would have just wiped it off on a napkin but I figured screw it!  It was my birthday and even if I couldn't have some cake I could at least have some icing, so I took a real nice dollop on my finger.....and did I ever savor it!  I'm here to tell you what a big mistake that was!

I've believed that maybe I was one of the few who didn't suffer from dumping.  In the past 18 months I did have one Hershey kiss and 2 snackwell cookies and didn't get ill.  I just wouldn't allow myself any more because I was afraid that if I found out that I could eat sugar, that I would then eat a whole Hershey bar.   And I just knew it would taste great and that one wouldn't be enough (you know how us obsessive/compulsive people are)!  Anyway, I now know that I am NOT immune to sugar.  I got deathly ill on that little bit of icing.  Puked, got light headed, hot flashes and the most incredible stomach pains!  This lasted for about 2 hours and finally passed, but really kicked my butt.  I suppose in a way that you could say the doctor gave me a birthday gift.  I found out that my tool DOES STILL WORK! 

And my final note for the day is to ask you all to say a special prayer to whomever or whatever you pray to for some friends of mine who have their surgery coming up very soon.  Leslie and Shannon.....best of luck to you both and have faith that this is the best thing that you can do for yourself.  We can't wait to have you in our support group!!!

5-6-2000  Just a quick note today.  There's been a little excitement in my life lately.  Dr Fisher contacted me and my dear friend Leasha and asked whether we would like to be interviewed by our local TV station concerning our weight loss.  Without a moments hesitation we both said yes!  What a week it's been, the anticipation of the interview, knowing that many, many people in Las Vegas would be seeing our before pictures, shopping for clothes to wear.  We loved it!  So the interview was fun to do, and my flabby, naked belly was on TV (not real happy about that, but what can ya do?)

Another neat thing is that I got a printout of my Body Composition.   Now this is different than your BMI.  This is run with little electrodes to your arm and leg and tells you the actual percentage of body fat you have.  Right now, I'm 189 with a body fat percentage of 33%.  That means that of my 189 lbs, 62.6 lbs of me is fat and 126.4 of me is lean weight.  This also calculates my goal weight, which is 162, so I have about 27 more to go.  WOOHOO!  The end is in sight

Never did I think that this would be happening to me.  Now I'm going to have to seriously think bout reconstructive surgery to get rid of the excess skin.   I figure I am carrying about 20 lbs of flesh on me, and I don't like it one bit.   Granted, it's better than weighing 500 lbs, but it's pretty nasty looking.   Clothes are my best friend, I can cover all the sags and wrinkles with them.   The frightening thing is what happens to this skin when I get in the pool.   OMG!  It floats!!  And with that mental picture I'll leave you my friends.

6-23-2000  Well, it's been a while again. You know about good intentions......There's been a long happening the past 6 weeks.  First of all, I have spoken with a plastic surgeon concerning reconstructive surgery.  One thing I want you to remember is that the surgery we need after a large weight loss is in no way plastic surgery.  We now need to correct deformities as a result of our weight loss.   What we have discovered it that if I were to have this excess skin removed, that I would probably be at or below my goal weight.  This doctor feels that I have 25 to 30 lbs of excess flesh to come off.  All the dieting the world won't remove that, so now I have some major decisions to make.

And speaking of major decisions, I've had a major life change thrust upon me. I have worked for the same company for 7 1/2 years and in the same department for five.  About 2 weeks ago my section manager called me in and told me that it was time for me to move on and leave the department.  As a matter of fact, the plans had been made.  I was going to another department and had my choice of 1 of 2 shifts.   Then he asked me how I felt about it.  Hell, I felt as though he hit me on the head with a 2x4.  Stunned would be putting it mildly.  His explanation to me was that since I had told him that I had goals of management, that my job performance had not shown him what he wanted to see.  And that some members of my team had complained to management about me. 

Now what these complaints were I don't know.  He did not demote me,   (though he said he thought of it, nice guy huh!) but transferred me out at the same rate of pay to another department.  So here I am in another department, within sight of my old one, trying to accept congrats from people who think that I moved on just to get a better shift.  I am just heartsick about all this.  I am trying to make the best of this new job, but it's brainless production work and I hate it.  People have told me that things happen for a reason and could be that this is the boot in the butt I need.  So I'm job hunting and it's been a very long time since I've had to do that.  And of course there's that issue of the insecure fat girl living inside me.   She's scared chitless!  Dr Fisher believes that my problems at work are because my role has changed.  What he means is that for many years I was fat Sue, and as I've lost weight I've changed physically and mentally.  I'm much more assertive and confident (I don't know about that confident stuff, but he says I am!).  They knew how to handle the old fat Sue, but they are clueless on the new and improved Sue.   On that note, I'll wrap this up for now.  Hopefully the next time I post will be with good news

7-14-00  Nothing new on the job front.  I am job hunting and trying to take some positive actions.  The stress at work built up so much that I had a 13 day migraine headache.  Now from someone who has never had a migraine in her life, this has been pretty ugly!  I'm still getting 2 or 3 a week and suppose I will continue to until some of this stress is out of my life.  I have a few leads on jobs so keep your fingers crossed for me!

I've been posting some of my thoughts on the OSSG lists and wanted to share some of these with you all.  Some things I may have written about before, but I think they bear repeating.  So here goes....

Reflections 7/9/00

Well, here it is a beautiful Sunday and I find my thoughts traveling back in time.  I was speaking with someone last night on how cruel people can be.   Sometimes intentionally but hopefully most times they aren't aware.  (At least I hope so, I'd hate to think people said these things out of spite.)

As a morbidly obese woman living in a "normal" sized world I dealt with the looks, laughs and comments on a daily basis.  I was a huge woman struggling desperately to blend in.  There were some days or moments that I even had myself convinced that my size didn't matter.  Yeah right!

My sperm donor (some may call him my father) felt a need to point out to me every time I saw him what a fat slob I was, how could I live with myself or let myself get that way?  How could I wipe my butt?  And just watch....my husband was going to leave me for some little skinny thing, after all didn't I just marry the first man that would have me?  My reply (on days I was feeling spunky) would be gee, thanks for pointing that out to me.  I never see myself naked or deal with bathroom problems. I never realized what a fat slob I was.  Duh!

This man (I use that term as a reference to his gender, not much more) never ever realized how lucky I was to have married a man who accepted me and loved me no matter how big I was.  The fact that he even wanted to get frisky with me at 500 lbs just amazed me.  He has been so supportive of my decision and the changes in my life and is my biggest cheerleader. 

Dealing with the comments of children (innocent my foot!) could make me cry.  "Mommy, why is that lady's belly so big?"  or the stars and gawks when I dared go out, the contortions I had to go through just to get behind the steering wheel.  How I hated to meet new people or anyone my husband worked with.   I was an embarrassment to myself, and I hated to be one for him too.  We live in Las Vegas, and valet parking and buffets are a way of life here.  How I hated having a valet try to close the car door for me and I'm sure the comments were many when we would go to a buffet.  But still I would load my plate of with pie, cake, cookies, cheesecake, cobbler.....you get the picture.

Well I think I finally realized what point I've been trying to make.   It just took a lot of rambling to get there.  What I want to say is that although I now live in a "normal" sized world and can blend in.....inside I'm still very much a 500 lb woman.  That fat girl is still there, with all her issues and insecurities.  In many ways I don't ever want to forget that pain.  The physical pain that my body felt is mostly gone, but I still carry the mental or spiritual pain in my heart.  I believe that as long as I can remember how fat feels, that I will remain in control of the food monster.  I don't ever want to go back to what I was, but I need to face this monster each and every day and let him know that I am stronger than he is.

Thanks for reading my ramblings....and thanks just for being there........    

Reflections 2  7/10/00

I received many kind notes and comments from you on my thoughts.   Thank you all so very much.  Fortunately or unfortunately the pain associated with being obese in an thin world is something we all share in.  Some of us may be better at hiding the pain than others, but it's still there.

My surgeon has a graphic on his site, it shows a fat woman looking at a mirror and seeing a thin woman looking back at her.  He says that before our surgery this is what we see (or want to see).  What is strange is that after the process is complete the picture is reversed.  What I see is a normal (thin?) woman looking at her reflection, but her reflection is an obese woman. 

This will sound strange, but there are times I have to check the tags in my clothes as a reality check.  I find it incredible to fit into a small anything!   When I go shopping I find that I immediately head for the large woman's department. It's a habit of years!  Then I think, ok you don't belong here...now where to go.   When I shop in juniors or what ever the other depts. are called, I expect someone to haul me out and tell me I don't belong there. 

And now for another revelation.  Since I have always been obese (or since I can remember at least!) I never really got to do the wild and crazy things that many do as they grow up.  I got my toe rings, and get pedicures now......I'll never get any facial piercings (though if my doc had left me a belly button after my panniculectomy I may have gotten that pierced!)  Anyway, I've had a hankering to get a tattoo!  Ok, stop laughing :o)  The amazing thing is that my DH is ok with it.   He just says don't get it where he's the only person who will see it.  So I have decided that in Oct (my 2 year WLS anniversary) I will get myself a tattoo......I think of either Eyore or Tigger on my shoulder.  I figure if this is as crazy as I get then it's ok. 

With many hugggzzz to you all!

Apples vs Pears 7/10/00 
This was in response to what body shape we are!

Let me tell you.....at 500 lbs I was quite the large pear!  But by the time you get that big the fat that started settling below my waist started looking for places to live.  I swear my ear lobes were plus size too!

My surgeon told me almost the same thing Rebecca.  He said that in order to maintain a weight of 500 lbs I would have to take in a tremendous amount of calories ever day and he didn't think that I did.  What research that has been done does show that heredity and genetics has something to do with our obesity. 

Was it hard to lose over 300 lbs?  You bet!  My doctor also told me that he didn't think that I would get below 200.  That didn't bother me at first because 200 lbs was so very far away so I made it my goal.  Well let me tell you....when I got to 200 lbs I took his challenge (which is exactly what it was!) and made my goal 190.  When I hit 190 I made my new goal 180. 

When I went for my 18 month checkup doc gave me a little test for my body composition.  This is different than your BMI.  Anyway, it showed me at 189 lbs, body fat 33.1%, fat body weight 62.6lbs, lean body weight 126.4 with a basal metabolic rate of 1744 calories a day.  That means that it takes 1744 to maintain that weight, so as long as I come in under that I WILL CONTINUE TO LOSE WEIGHT!  It also gave me a goal weight of 162, which will make my body fat 22%.  That I can live with! 

So.....apples, pears or plums....YOU CAN DO IT!

Support People 7/11/00

A random thought just flashed into my head, and I had to post it before I forgot.  (Can I blame memory lapse on WLS?  hmmmmm)

Getting back to my point, which would be...........ok, I remember!   Sometimes (or most times) it is extremely hard for us to tell people that we want or are going to have WLS.  We have spent so much of our lives hearing other peoples opinions ringing in our ears that we just don't want to take a chance and hear their opinions on WLS.  I can so very much understand that, but what I want you to know is that you will find support in the strangest places and please, please accept that support.  

Most of my family has passed away and all I have close to me is my sister and niece.  They have both battled weight problems (tell me it's not genetic!) all their lives.  Up until 2 days before my surgery, my sister was planning on being out of town and wouldn't be able to be there for me.  To say I was hurt and upset was putting it mildly.  But I surely wasn't going to let this stop me.  Instead, what I found was a wonderful support structure from friends at work.  Now granted, I did not tell the world about this surgery, just a small group at work, but did these people ever deliver!  One woman and her roommate came to the hospital at 6am, and sat with my husband throughout the whole 6 1/2 hour procedure.  These "work" friends came to see me every day at the hospital, once or twice a week at home, and cooked meals for hubby too.  When I was able to get out, cashiers and change ladies hugged me when they saw the change in me.  These people truly cared about be, and I was knocked over by their love and support.

And for the record, my sister did come around, and did come to the hospital before my surgery and stayed for a while too.  She says that she was so sure I was going to die and that she was frightened.  I understand also that me finally taking actions about my obesity made her address her issues as well.  We had a bumpy first year (sister and I) as I could see the jealousy in her eyes when she saw me.   But at last things have gotten better with us, and she is now working towards having surgery herself. 

Some thoughts on surgery 7/12/00

Ok, I'm stepping up on my soap box again.  I've received lots of emails from folks asking me about WLS and so many of them have one thing in common.   They all ask me if I was scared and what made me do it.  I'd like to reply to that today.

Something I try and stress to everyone is that WLS IS NOT A CURE FOR OBESITY!  It is only a tool through which we can (hopefully) learn how to control the food monster.  We still decide what we put in our mouth and unfortunately there is no such thing as the food police.

My doctor, when he is seeing people on their O/C visit, looks for what I call the "desperation factor".  He wants to see that you have exhausted all other options and that you are at the proverbial end of your rope.  This isn't to mean that he wants to be our savior, but to him it has to do with a willingness to commit to his program and a whole new way of life.  The turning point came for me when I saw Richard Simmons on TV one day and he said to a woman, "What would you do if I told you that you were 50 lbs away from a wheelchair?"  Suddenly I realized that I was probably less than 20 away from that.  I had been considering asking my pcp to write me a prescription for an electric scooter.  I was actually jealous of handicapped people who had these carts, cause they could get around so quickly.  Talk about your reality checks

I also have heard many people say that they would have WLS if........blah, blah, blah.  Well to me that means that they just aren't ready for it.  As long as they make excuses then their head isn't where it should be for this life changing operation.  And that's ok.  Being prepared mentally is as if not more important as being prepared physically. 

And for those who say they are scared.  Well you should be!   This is a major, major procedure that you could die from.  So make sure you have all your ducks in a row!  I found that the closer my surgery date came the more at peace I became.  I knew that I may not wake up from surgery and that was ok with me because I knew that my weight was slowly killing me.  I just thought that if I didn't wake up I'd never know the difference.  My dh and family would be left holding the bag. 

And finally, though this may sound cold to some.  I know that insurance coverage is a big issue for us all.  But I firmly believe that if this is something you have to do, that you will find a way to pay for it.  For once in your life be selfish and put yourself and your health first.  If this surgery was to save the life of a loved one (spouse, parent, child) you would find a way to have it done.   It's for you and you should love yourself enough to do this!  Take a second mortgage, borrow from family, take a second job or have your spouse take one, (rob a bank!), don't buy a new car, cash out your retirement (I mean will you be able to retire if your weight kills you first?).  Do what you have to do but put yourself first!

I hope that you all realize that I'm speaking from my heart.  I feel so very strongly about this and what it can do.  I apologize if I come off to strong, but I have such powerful feelings on this subject.  I'll help anyone I can, but if you're not willing to help yourself first then.......

Ok, I'll be stepping off my soapbox again.  (I need a new one, starting to wear this one out :o)

Huggggzz and happiness to you all! 

8/18/00  I know, I know!  It's been a long time since I posted.   Time to fill you in the latest in this soap opera I fondly call "My Life".  Nothing has changed on the job front.  I'm still getting migraines and still job hunting when I'm not shut up in my room, in the dark, wishing I were dead!   Geeez these headaches are something else! 

On the other hand, when I feel well, I've had the opportunity to do some things that I would have never, ever done at 500 lbs.  First of all, I had the chance to go on a flight with Dr Fisher to Reno.  No big deal you say?  Well it sure was a big deal, especially since it was Doc's plane and he was the pilot!  Dr Fisher has some patients in Reno and he asked us (me and Leasha) to go with him to have a support meeting for these folks.  We are lucky because we have an active group (about 30 show) but these people in Reno are very much alone.  So anyhow, part of the deal was that in order to get to Reno (a 6 hour drive I think), we would fly in his plane.   There is also a weight limitation so of course we couldn't lie about our weight!   The plane is a Mooney (for those who know) and the inside is about as big as a VW beetle.  We're talking small!  But it was wonderful and I had no qualms about the pilot.  After all, he's invested a lot into me, he's sure not going to take me up to 10,000 feet and kill me!

My other adventure was just last week.  My husband and I got to throw out the first pitch at the Las Vegas STARS baseball game.  (Again, for those who know, they are the AAA team for the San Diego Padres).  I nearly made it to the plate, the ball bounced in front of the catcher.  So I embarrassed myself a little, but one thing for sure.  At 500 lbs I would have never been on that field.  To tell the truth, at 500 lbs I would have not been asked!  So if the pictures turn out I'll post them here somewhere. 

Now onto the weight thing.  I think that I have pretty much stopped losing now.  I've had a bad sinus infection so because I was sick got down to 177, but I think that I have stabilized between 181 and 185.  And to tell the truth, I'm ok about that.  It's not my goal number, but what is a number anyway?  So much of my excess weight is just skin now, and though I'm sure I could diet and get down to 162, it would not be living.  I've become comfortable at this weight, and have gotten relaxed about my eating.  Not complacent, just relaxed.  There is a difference!   I still watch carefully what I eat, and don't say "screw it, I deserve this!".  I weigh every day, and when that scale goes over 185, I start counting calories and measuring food again.  That's what is a good thing about the Rules.   They get you back to basics and sometimes you need that.

Alrightie, that's it for now.  See you all next month, hopefully with good news about a job

10/6/2000  Wow it has been a while since I wrote.  Lots to tell and actually some good news for a change!  At long last, I got offered a job, and accepted!  This is  job of responsibility and I have lots of options and chances for moving ahead too!  I'll be the assistant to the District Manager of a new insurance company coming to Nevada.  This is my opportunity to learn the insurance business from the ground up, something I love to do!  It amazes me that I could actually set my hat for a new job, and get it!  Never, if I had walked into this office at 500 lbs would I have been hired.  And now I get to start off fresh and new, in a place where no one knew me "before".  It's scary, but scary in a good way.  Now, at last it's on my terms and my decision who knows my history and who doesn't.  To all of you who wrote and supported me during this time, I thank you all so very much.  My migraines have gotten much better now too.  I think the doctor will discharge me from his care for that as well. 

Myself and my friend Leslie met with Dr Fisher today.  We are helping to plan an event for him.  We will be holding a celebration of his practice, and all his past patients as well as current ones and their families will be invited.  This will be a chance for the folks 10 years out to meet up with the newbies.  Also hopefully the nursing staff and others from the hospital will be attending.  Dr Fisher wants them to be able to see the people that they took care of, and know that their hard work counts.  We will be having the media there and hope to make this a yearly event.  We'll start small this year, but who knows what we'll be able to do later!   I'll be having my 2 year checkup in about 2 weeks so I promise I will write more then.  I have lots to discuss with Doc, reconstructive surgery being at the top of my list

10/22/2000  Well, I had my two year appointment and on the whole, things went well.  Not only have I maintained my weight during the time that I was out of work, but I actually managed to lose a few pounds (by his scale that is!)  Doc showed me the pictures of my upper GI and I got to see my pouch.  Funny thing though, it's not at all what I thought it would be.  My pouch is about the size of my index finger and for some odd reason, it is actually smaller than it was last year.  Doc says this means that I am doing what I should be doing, not overeating and not vomiting.   So that part was all good.  As far as the reconstructive surgery goes, well considering what I started with I suppose it's not that bad, but to me it is beyond words.   Right now it's a matter of the new job and finances, but I will have something done in the next year.  Probably start with the tummy tuck .  Now that I've discovered water bras then maybe the boobs can wait a little while longer. 

The bad part of my appointment was my blood work.  Seems my iron is down to 7 and that's not a good thing.  So I have to see a blood specialist and get iron infusions to bring it up quickly.  Then it will be up to the doctors to see about keeping it where it should be.  I know I drink a lot of coffee now, but I guess it has just been my body looking for a way to keep going.  Guess I really do need that caffeine fix!

And in closing, my latest note that I posted to the OSSG groups concerning my reflections on the past two years.

Hello dear friends and confidants,

You've all become so special to me and as I rapidly approach my second anniversary of my surgery, I wanted once again to climb onto my much smaller soapbox and share some thoughts with you.

I think that we are all aware going into this surgery, that losing weight will change our life and the lives of our family but I'm not sure that we are aware of the magnitude of this change.

Yes our clothes change, we can wear seat belts, take baths, go to the movies, run faster, and jump higher.  But it's the changes that we don't see ourselves, that slowly creep into our everyday lives that I'm talking about.  Our relationships change, with our families, our spouse and our friends. Some get so much better, and some just seem to go away, but we are so much stronger now, and able to deal with these changes so much better.  We take on additional responsibilities and challenges without a second thought.  We are so eager to face the world and all that it has to offer.  It seems to me, that for many of us our new motto should be   "Bring it on!  I can do it!"

As some of you may know, I've been out of work for 3 months.  If this happened to me at 500 lbs, I probably would have eaten myself rapidly up to 600.   Instead, without conscious thought, I channeled my energy into healthy outlets.   I started selling items on eBay, I thoroughly cleaned my house, I repainted and redecorated 3 rooms in my home, and in the time it took me to get a new job, I maintained my weight.  For first time in my life,  I didn't take out my frustration at the refrigerator.

Something else I've been thinking about.  (I know, there's so very much going on in my blonde head!)  So many of us have these tapes playing in our head, mean comments people have said to us through our lives, "Look at your fat ass.   How can you look at yourself in the mirror?  I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you."  Any of these sound familiar?  Well, here's an example of these quiet, subtle changes.  I've just realized that these tapes are being recorded over, with new, positive sound bytes.  The tapes that are playing in my head are now good ones.  I recently saw someone who hasn't seen me since before surgery, but was aware of my loss.  His words to me were "Oh my God....Sue!  Look at you, you're so tiny!"  These mean so very much to me.  A sales lady telling me that I'm "petite" or Doc saying "You have to know how proud I am of you."  Hearing my husband tell other people how well I've done and how happy for me he is.  And of course, all the kind things you all write me and leave in my guest book.  Such positive reinforcement, how can I let myself get down in the dumps when I have all you behind me.

I don't ever want to take this gift of new life for granted.  And that's truly what it is.  I marvel each and every day at the things that I can now do, that I would have never, ever dreamed of doing before.  I know I didn't travel this road alone, that there were many before me, who have helped me along the way.   And I hope to be able to help those now, who are traveling this road.  Dr Fisher just gave me the road map.  It's up to me which "forks" in the road I take and how I fold this map, but this has been my journey to a new and better life!

Ok, putting my soapbox back under my bed for now.  And thanks again to you all for all your love and support!

11-12-2000  Just a quick note to let you all know how things are going in this little drama I call my life!  I love my job and that's a great thing!   For the first time in my life I am being judged by what I can do, not what I look like.  I haven't told a soul at work about my "past" life and though it's been hard it's been a real experience.  I probably will tell them at some point, but it will be after they get to know me better.  I just took my pre-licensing test for insurance and take my state licensing on Monday for Property and Casualty.  Wish me luck!

Something else I want to mention.  My weight has pretty much stabilized at 181 and I thought I was pretty much ok with that.  I truly thought that this was where I should be but didn't realize that I had become complacent. 

My dear doctor knows me well and knows what buttons to push on me to get a reaction.  About 2 weeks ago at our on-line support group, he said to me," Sue, Diane has reached her goal, have you?"  Now he knew damn right well I wasn't at my goal weight, but he said it to get me thinking and to issue me an challenge.  And it worked!  I've now realized that I haven't lost 320 lbs to stop a mere 15 lbs from my goal.  That's just plain stupid, and I am not a stupid woman!  So time to take some action!

I'm happy to say that as of this morning I was down to 177 and am now just 12 lbs away from goal.  Will I go beyond that?  Maybe I will!  Doc told me that he thinks that I can get down to 140 without a problem.  Whether I will like the look then or my body or be able to maintain it remains to be seen.  But challenge issued.....challenge accepted!

1-22-2001  Once again, I mean well, but just never get to doing these updates!  So I'll briefly fill you in on the past few months.  After 2 times testing, I did pass my Property and Casualty exams for the test and have my license in Insurance.  Sometime soon I'll start studying for Life and Health.  Work is going great but more about that later

Just after I last posted we held an "Pants Across America" party with Dr Fisher.  We had over 200 people attend.  Unfortunately the press choose not to come, but we all had a fabulous time showing off our new and improved bodies.

Thanksgiving was great!  I cooked and had my family and a dear friend over.  No leftovers for me as I can't eat day old meat.  I eat very little meat as it is, and it must be fresh.  It seems that as it dries out it becomes harder for me to keep down.  It gets stuck big time, so I just avoid it. Christmas was better than great!  My darling husband bought me a tanzanite and diamond bracelet and a leather coat.  Never, ever have I had a leather coat and the bracelet is awesome!  I had pointed it out to him about 2 years ago and he'd been wanting to get it for me ever since.  What a wonderful man I married.  The New Year brought us lots of fireworks here in Las Vegas.  Our jobs are both going well and our health is good.  And as promised, here is the latest on the job thing.

Dr Fisher contacted me last week about doing another TV interview and I had to take an hour off from work to do it.  Now I hadn't told anyone at work about my history as a morbidly obese woman and now I had to tell.  My boss was wonderful about it and very supportive.  I sent an email to my agents and staff with the link to this site.   They were  amazed but equally wonderful.  And tonight the interview was broadcast.  They will have the video on their website and I will publish the link as soon as I have it.

I am having to do some doctoring at this time.  Nothing serious ( I don't think so at least!)  I did have an iron infusion in the beginning of November.   Nothing earth shattering but it was about 6 hours hooked to an IV.  That got old fast.  But my iron went from 7 to 287.  It seems that I just can't metabolize iron from my food or from supplements so I'll have to have this treatment every year to 18 months.  That's just fine with me.  I feel much better since then.

Also, I am being checked out for adhesions.  I could go into details with you, but it's more personal information than you need to know.  Trust me on this one!  So I'll have some testing and some scopes and we'll see how this goes. 

Again, I'll try to be better about these updates.  Thanks for reading all the way through this.  And write me anytime too!

5-19-2001  First, in my own defense I did post an earlier update.   However my computer decided to crash without saving any of my work.  That won't happen again, I promise! 

Well, I sent through a slew of testing.  Been scoped all over and thoroughly checked out.  The good news is that I don't have any internal bleeding, fibroids or polyps.  I may have adhesions but they are darn near impossible to test for.  I do have 2 uteruses!!  Seems I was born with them and no one ever found them before.  Sure does answer a lot of questions about why we never could have children. 

I had my 2.5 year check up with Doc too.  He's pleased with me and glad that even through all the job difficulties I didn't gain any weight.  My body composition has also improved, and my body fat percentage is 29% now.  Odd that it has changed, even though my weight has stayed pretty much the same.

Dr Fisher agrees that it's time to seriously check into reconstructive surgery.  I got a referral from my PCP and have been to see the plastic surgeon that I saw last summer.  He took new pictures and showed me the old ones too.  I had a terrible rash when I went so he took many pictures of that as well.  He wants to do a torso lift which involves pretty much cutting me in half and pulling the skin up and cutting off the excess.  At the same time he would like to do my arms as well.   Dr Weiland feels that there should be no problem with insurance covering this.   With rashes, back aches, urinary problems as the big issues...he thinks it's the proverbial "piece of cake!"

So if things work out I'll be having my TT in July.  If I'm able to sit at the computer I'll be posting lots of updates.  Right now we are in the process of submitting the paperwork.  I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't help it.   In the meantime, I'm getting letters from my doctors to reinforce the need for reconstructive surgery. 

I had so much more to say...but it's gone now!  I'm another year old....probably no wiser...but I thank God each and every day for the chance He gave me at living a "normal' life. 

7-20-01  Well, I went for my consult and my plastic surgeon submitted a request to the insurance company for a torso lift and my arms.  I think the torso lift is similar to a lower body lift.  It involves cutting me in 2...sideways, and nipping and tucking all the excess skin. 

I'm happy to tell you that I have been approved for my reconstructive surgery.   It will be on August 9th here in Las Vegas.  I'm hoping to be out of work no more than 3 weeks (that may be a little naive, but that's what I'm aiming for!)  My arms were denied but the PS is appealing it.  We shall see!

I'm a nervous wreck thinking about this.  Although I have the medical conditions and documentation to back up this surgery...bottom line, excess skin is NOT life threatening.  Carrying 300 excess pounds on my frame was!  So I'm scared, but looking forward to it too! 

Just wanted to add something that I wrote to some of the OSSG groups about my feelings at this time. 

I'm just stunned to put it mildly.  This is most definitely one of the top three events of my life.  The first being a tie between getting engaged and when after many years of infertility finding out I was pregnant (unfortunately I miscarried).  So getting this approval is most definitely #3!  You may wonder why having WLS isn't one of the top three.  Well I think because of my state of mind at the time, I knew my weight was killing me so my WLS saved my life.  This is a cause to celebrate.

I don't know if that makes sense to you but it sure does to me!  In looking back, I can see now that I was ready to die with or for the WLS.  I was at my lowest point ever and had no interest in living.  Now I do have an interest in living a long and healthy life....so I do have my share of fear and anticipation about this surgery. 

I'll try to write more about this before my surgery day comes.  Keep checking back.

7-27-01  Well, I had my pre-op visit with Dr Weiland today.  I am just so excited about this I'm numb!  It's so hard for me to believe that IT WILL HAPPEN!    Got my bloodwork done and all checked into the hospital.  They were wonderful when I went to his office.  Three of the staff came out and gave me hugs.  I was made such a fuss over....I must confess....I loved it!  Dr Weiland didn't even keep me waiting 5 minutes.  He answered all my questions, and even came back when I thought of more.  So I'll write about what I asked and what he had to tell me.

My surgery at this point will last 4-5 hours.  If he gets my arms approved then 2 or so hours more.  He appealed to Aetna and they are still saying it's cosmetic.  However they hadn't seen my pictures and he maintains that if anyone would benefit from this it would be me.  So they have till the morning of surgery to say yes or no.   I will be intubated, have a catheter and an NG tube.  I have to check out more about the NG tube as Dr Fisher has us carry a card saying we CAN'T have one.   That it could puncture our tummies and I don't want that!  I shouldn't wake up on the respirator and will probably have the catheter till the next day.  He said he will keep me in the hospital as long as he has too. 

Because I am still having troubles with phlebitis in my arms from my last hospital trip he will put me on heparin.  He said it will be somewhat messy as the incisions will ooze but he rather deal with that than blood clots.  I'll have 2 drains for about a week.  I will have some sort of compression garment but because he is cutting me all ways around, it will be modified.  He is somewhat concerned about the incision that will be across my back. 

I've been given prescriptions for percocet, valium and keflex already.   He said that the worst part for me will be when I get to the hospital, that I'll have to stand naked while they mark me.  Then I'll have to lie down (naked of course) while they mark some more.  He will start on my back then turn me during surgery.   There is a high risk of contaminating the field when they turn me so that's why I'll start on the Keflex early. 

Dr Weiland said eating may be a challenge for me postop as my tummy will be so tight it will hurt to eat!  Wow, I can't wait to feel that :o)  He also wants to make sure that I don't get constipated, so lots of fluids, walking and juices.   I told him about Michelle's (Vitalady) protein supplements and he thinks that's great.  I've also been advised to stay out of the sun till surgery.  He just doesn't want me to get sunburn as that too could complicate the healing of the wound.   Not a problem as I'm now cleaning like a mad woman!  (I just can't help myself!)

I asked him if he normally weighs what he removes and he said he doesn't but in my case he will be sure to.  I reminded him that lots of folks are watching to see my outcome and he could get a lot of referrals from me.....so if he wanted to zap a varicose vein or two..........

Oh my gosh, there is so much more.  I'm telling you, my head is still spinning.  These days are going to fly by, I know it.  My hubby has come around and is being so supportive.  I tell you, sometimes I think I don't deserve a man as good as he is.  I will never doubt how much he loves me.  He shows it every day in so many ways.  He's been on this roller coaster ride with me, and I know there were times he wanted off....but he stuck it out.  Well....more later, or maybe sooner.  Who knows?

8/17/2001  Well I'm back!  My surgery was a smashing success if I say so myself!  I have lots to update and pictures to take but for now I'll just copy some posts that I sent out to OSSG.  I can only sit so long at the computer so this could take a week or so to get up to date.  Bear with me!

This was sent out 7/29/2001

Good Sunday morning all!

Here I am at my computer, reading gazillions of backed up Yahoo/eGroups mail (some from days ago, for the 2nd and 3rd time...but I digress), sipping my coffee and my head is still thinking about things the plastic surgeon said on Friday.

One thing that really sticks is this phrase, "I consider you a thin person."  Huh?  Me?  Sue and thin in the same sentence?   Naaaahhhh!  Must be someone else in this room.  My goodness, will I ever NOT feel morbidly obese?  Or is this feeling part of what will keep my in check, and help prevent me from eating my way back up to 500 lbs?  Little phrases like this, from the most unexpected places and people are gradually replacing the "old, fat" tapes that still play in my head.  You know the tapes, "you're worthless, you disgust me, have you looked at yourself?  I'm embarrassed to be see with you"  Now, once in a while, in the midst of these old, ugly tapes a phrase like, "I consider you a thin person, or OMG, Look at you....you're so tiny!

Oh yeah, and what brought about this comment from the doctor was that I was telling him about my problems after the WLS and panni (had em at the same time) with drainage.  He said it was a seroma and that is very common in obese people.  It rarely happens in thin people or those with lower body fat, and then he said it.....those magic words....."I consider you a thin person."

And on that note.......I'm off to clean some junk drawers (and I'll be just fine....no compulsive behavior from me....not at all!)

8/15/2001

Hello all!

Well after 6 fun filled days in the hospital I'm finally home and aren't I a happy camper!  So if you want to hear all the gory details, grab yourself a protein drink and get ready to read!

First I'd like to thank my angels, Larry and Joyciegirl who called me several times and kept you all informed.  And to those who called me in the hospital, a special thank you too!  The e-cards and notes were very much appreciated.

Ok, here we go.....Bob and I got to the hospital at about 6:15 last Thursday and they took me right in for pre-op preps.  Basically it was getting changed, given my cubicle and starting on paperwork and vitals.  Bob came back and joined me and Dr Tom the anesthesiologist came in.  He told me that since I was a gastric bypass patient he wouldn't use an NG tube, and that if I really wanted I could even sleep through the surgery!   (Thousands of comedians working for a living and I get one who works for free!)  He explained that Dr Weiland would start operating on my back so they would put me asleep in the hospital bed, intubate me, prep my tummy and cover it with sterile dressings, then roll me over onto the operation table.   This would help prevent the chances of infection.  He examined my neck, had me open my mouth (I guess to check what size tube he would use.)  He said that many people wake up with very sore throats so to make that somewhat better he uses a tube 1/2 size smaller.  Asked if I had any questions and said he'd be back soon with the happy juice. 

More questions and papers from the nurse.  She started an 18 gauge IV (hurt like hell) because if they had to give me blood they wanted to be sure they had a good port.  Dr Weiland came in and the marking began.  It's funny how you can be standing there naked, in front of 2 OR nurses and your husband while a virtual stranger colors on your body.  He pulled skin, marked all over the place.  Had me bend over, colored some more and explained the whole time what he wanted to do.  Bob asked several questions and he explained the whys and wherefores to him.  At that time he thought he may be able to save Eeyore's head and the butterfly but wasn't sure.  I told him it really didn't matter but I sure would like a belly button!

Dr Weiland asked if there were any more questions, then left to get ready.   Dr Tom came back with the happy juice and injected it.  Within about a minute I said to DH, kiss me quick cause this stuff is hitting!  Next think I heard was "wake up Sue, your surgery is over...it's 3:00"  I never even got to see the OR!  Not that I'm complaining mind you.

They were wonderful in recovery.  Kept checking vitals, kept warm blankets on me but I wanted them off...I was so hot!  I got nauseous, was afraid I was going to puke.  That was a bad feeling.  I kept retching and it hurt like hell!  They quickly got me something to calm that down and it passed.  I was frequently told to take deep breaths.  Finally got the O2 mask off and was able to check things out.  I hurt pretty darn bad.  For sure pain...but lots of burning too!  I just didn't get that.  After about 2 hours they took me up to my room.  

Again, lots of people fussing over me.  Because of some of my heart problems they put me on telemetry and because of the extent of my incision I was not allowed to have my head elevated above a 45 degree angle.  So while most people get all hunched over with a TT, I was forced to lay straight.  They quickly got the PCA working and off I went to sleep. 

And good people, that will be all for now.  I'll continue with part deux tomorrow!

8/16/01  Well I had hoped to tell you all about part 2 of my reconstructive surgery but had a bit of a change of plans today!  I went to see Dr Weiland and he removed all my steri-strips and took pictures.  We even compared the befores and afters and I gotta tell you the difference is amazing!  I will try to post pictures sometime this weekend but really do need to take it easy and limit my computer time.

So on the way home I thought we'd stop to see a friend for a few minutes and I could also pick up a pillow for the car.  Having the seatbelt on with no padding on my tummy was not treat so I just wanted a cheap throw pillow.  We stopped to see Julie and she was busy so we went to the grocery store and got the pillow.  I was a little short of breath at that point but not too concerned. 

Anyway, we went back to see Julie and she gave Bob a haircut.  While she was cutting away I was getting more and more short of breath and having difficulties breathing.   So I called Dr Weiland and got his service (lunch time!)  Next thing I know he was on the phone and told me to come right back in.  We hightailed it back to his office (interrupting their lunch, I felt so bad) and they took me right in and hooked me up to a bunch of monitors.  My color was bad and my respirations were 38.    Next thing I know I'm in a wheelchair being pushed over to the ER by Dr Weiland.  Fastest service I ever got!  They took me right in, more monitors, O2 and such and tried to question me.  At this point I could barely breath so I left it to Dr Weiland and Bob to answer.  They were concerned that I had a pulmonary embolism.  Dr Weiland said I did the right thing calling him and he left me to the ER doctor for treatment. 

So I'm hooked to a heart monitor, got the oxygen and IV, they draw blood and oh happy day....blood gases too!  Then I'm taken off for an ultrasound of my legs and a CT scan too.  Now all this happened around noon.  Five hours later Dr Weiland comes back to see what's happening.  I was feeling much better at this point (could have something to do with the 2 doses of morphine I got!) and told him I never had something like that happen before and that it scared the hell out of me!  He said it scared the hell out of him too! 

So he checked around, and found out that everything was ok and 2 hours later I was discharged.  Whew!  I surely didn't want to be readmitted but I'm glad that I got such good care. 

So good people...tomorrow I will continue my saga......

 8/18/2001
Hello to all my WLS friends

First of all I'd like to thank you all again for the kind notes and phone calls.  You guys and gals are the greatest!  What a wonderful community of caring and sharing people that I am fortunate enough to be a part of :o)

So I've reread what I wrote the other day and just wanted to mention a couple of things before I start part deux.  One is that Dr Weiland called me at home the night before surgery just to make sure that I was ok and not a mass of nerves!  I was actually pretty serene but truly appreciated that call.  I made him promise to get a good nights sleep and he said only if I would do the same!  I am so lucky that I have found 2 surgeons, Dr Fisher and Dr Weiland who care so much about their patients.   Don't know how I do it.....someone somewhere guides me I guess.

The other thing is that I tried to donate my own blood before surgery.   When I inquired about it I was told that it would cost me $195 each time to do it and that I would have to pay in advance, submit it to my insurance company and hope that they would reimburse me.  Well needless to say, I don't have $400 to play with so I didn't do it.  And better yet, I only lost 800 cc's of blood so didn't require a transfusion.   Dr Weiland says my hematocrit and iron levels are better post op then pre op!

And now....on to my ordeal on the 4th floor.  As you are no doubt aware, there is a severe nursing shortage going on now, so I expected a lot of care from CNA's.  I did have a RN, who had to be shown by 3 different people how to load and program my PCA.  The first 2 times they tried the morphine kept dripping out the bottom.  If I could have reached it I would have licked it up!  They finally realized that the vial was cracked, got a new one and got it going.  At that point I was on .5 mg every 10 minutes.  Well I was watching the clock to push it!  Dr Weiland had asked several times if it was controlling my pain and said if it didn't he would increase the dosage.  When I asked the nurse for an increase I was told just to push the button more, that it was better than increasing the amount of morphine.  I sure would have liked to trade places with him!

So here I am in bed, pretty much flat as I'm not allowed to be elevated above a 45 degree angle, with those blasted sequential stockings on, hooked to telemetry, O2 and of course the IV.  I was the last room in the children's ward (lots of crying babies!  arrrrgh!!!)  No nurse or CNA introduced themselves and there was most definitely a language barrier too!  I would tell my RN something and she would giggle and say OK!  I knew she didn't have a clue.  The CNA asked me if I could get out of bed to use the bathroom.   Did he not see the big old pee bag hanging off the bed?  The air conditioning on the entire floor wasn't working (a real treat in Las Vegas in August!)  I asked if they had a fan, more giggles.  When I would ring the call light, my CNA would just come in and stand there, if I asked for the covers to be pulled up, he did that and left.  Never asked if there was anything else, never checked in to see if I was ok.  The night shift was a little better, at least English was their first language!  When they brought me my tray they put it on the table, tried to raise the head of the bed....of course I had to stop them....that 45 degree thing ya know.  So they would put it up high, over my belly.  I couldn't even see what was on my tray and had to do the Helen Keller thing.  Just feel with my fingers and eat with my fingers.  A lettuce leaf at a time, a piece of squash at a time.  No one even offered to feed me!    Then during the night for some reason they kept taking my vitals every 2 hours.  When I questioned that they said, oh no....it's every 4 hours.  I told they you better check cause someone has been here damn near every hour on the hour!

Day 2 rolls around and I'm thinking that someone will come and maybe change my bed and give me a bath.  After all, I've still got operating room goo over me and a catheter in place as well.  I'm feeling and I'm sure smelling pretty funky not to mention a bad case of morning mouth!  Well, once again the breakfast tray is slapped down on a tray I can't reach.  I had ordered cream of wheat and a banana.   Figured I could get that down with not too much problem.  What I got was 1/2 a banana and a banana muffin.  I asked to be on a sugar free diet since I didn't want to even think about dumping.  I mentioned when Mr Silent delivered my tray that this wasn't what I ordered.   Of course no reply.  So I ate the banana and tried the muffin.  Loaded with sugar so that was out!  Bob had brought up some canned protein drinks for me so I rang again, complained about the breakfast and asked for a couple of ice so I could drink my protein.  Also asked that he be kind enough to move my little fan back within my reach so I could maybe cool down a little!  Poof!   He's gone and comes back with the ice.  Does he give me the can or open it?   Course not....he's gone!  Later when someone else came to take my tray she asked why I didn't eat.  I explained about the wrong food.  She says we have plenty of cream of wheat on the cart, did you want some?  I passed on it.  She asked why I didn't eat the muffin.   I told her that it was supposed to be sugar free.   She points out to me that the menu said it was...and I said the menu also said cream of wheat!  This CNA told me that she didn't even know anyone was in my room.  And she had been on since the previous night!  How comforting :o(

The RN comes back to give me my antibiotic and I tell her it's burning and getting red.  She tries to tell me it's the medicine and giggles.   I tell her it's not but Poof!  She's gone.  Later when I push the morphine it burns like hell.  I call again and this time she agrees that it's infiltrated.  She tries to move the site but oh great, they have new IV's and no one likes them or can use them.  3 different people try and finally the 4th gets it in.  Still no bath or linen change though I have asked! 

Lunch rolls around, same thing...eating in the air then here comes Dr Weiland with 2 of his nurses to get me out of bed and change my dressings.    He's cutting things off and making me look and I was stunned at how flat my tummy was!  So now it's time to get me out of bed.  He wants me to get my legs to the side, then try to stand up and get out all on one motion without bending at the waist.   Kind of like a pregnant woman would move.  It hurt like hell but I got out.   I'm halfway up when we get tangled in the IV, O2 and catheter.   He rings for the nurse who comes in, giggles and asks what he needs.  At this point I'm telling him just to cut the damn IV with his scissors!  At last one of Dr Weiland's nurses gets us free so up I go.  So here I am, (get this mental picture) standing naked in my surgeons arms while his nurses try quickly to change the dressings on my back.  I started to get nauseous and dizzy and he presses my head into his shoulder to hold on tighter.  Nurse Giggles was holding up my drains (I had 4 of em, 2 in the back and 2 in the pube)  and next thing we know, Poof!  she's gone!   Guess she thought she wasn't needed.  Now Dr Weiland is a very big man, about 6'3" maybe 300lbs.  So he gets me back into bed and tells me that he wants me out of bed 3 to 6 times a day.  Yeah right!

Now he decides he wants me up again and damn near just lifts me up.   Much easier that way I gotta tell you.   I had mentioned that I hadn't been bathed so another nurse miraculously appears, slaps some water and lotion on me, calls that a bath and when he puts me down, changes my gown.  Still the same linens from the OR.  I know this because they have a habit of writing on the sheets!   I'm pretty wiped out after this ordeal, push my PCA and go off to lala land. 

Dinner....same thing, had lots of company and no English speaking help.   Finally Saturday morning rolls around and here I am, hoping for a complete bath and toothbrush....and of course there's that linen change and the bloody gown I'm wearing.    And CNA of little words on duty again.  Maureen (Dr Weiland's nurse) calls and asks if things got any better.   I told her no and she said that she and Judy (his other nurse) were going to come over, bath and change me and change the bed.   They just couldn't leave me like that.  How sweet of them to care that much and take time out of their weekend to do that for me.  She also said that Dr Weiland was coming around noon to change my dressings again. 

Well change of shift comes around and I happen to inform this RN that Doc will be in.  She says (get this!)  "Oh, well I guess we better get you out of bed then!"  So by 11:30 they get me up, sort of bathed (still no toothbrush) and change the bed and my gown.  Dr Weiland comes in and asks how many times they had me up.  I said once.  He said how many times since he was there last.....Once!   At this point he decided to move me to a surgical floor.  (I should have been there in the first place but because of the telemetry I had to be on 4th).  He was going to complain to the medical director of the hospital and advised me to do the same (which I sure will!)  He asks RN no English if my telemetry was ok, any variations.    She giggles and says it was fine.  (I asked him...you believed her?)   He removes the cardiac leads and that's one less machine I'm off of. 

Now all this happens around noon.   Around 4pm I hear a page....check telemetry in room 420!  Wow, talk about observant!  I had been off of it for about 3 hours!  It's now 5pm and the come to move me.  And do you believe have the nerve to ask why I'm leaving their floor.   How nice I am and that they will miss me.  I can't wait to get out of Dodge!  Get a lovely private room on the 5th floor where RN Rose says, where have you been, I've been waiting for you for hours!  She's not afraid of my incision or binder, gets me comfy and gets me dinner.  And even better....on the 5th floor they actually empty your JP drains and catheter bag.  They don't let it overflow onto the floor!  And talk about unmitigated gall, 3 of the staff from 4th floor came up to see why I left them.   I just blew it off and said that Dr Weiland thought it better that I be on a surgical floor. 

Whew!  Another long post......but I promise, things get better on the 5th floor.  Maybe tomorrow there will be more but for now....I'm off for a little nappy poo!

For those who made it all the way through.......wow!  and Thanks!
 Sending big huggzzz again,

8/20/2001
Hello good peoples,

For those who have been waiting with bated breath for the end of my story, well I think (hope) this is it!  Now where were we last?  That's right, it was Saturday and I had just been moved up to the 5th floor.

So there I am with RN Rose who is not a bit afraid of surgery patients.    First thing she does for me is adjust my binder which has rolled up into an extremely uncomfortable position.  She makes sure I'm properly medicated and she and the CNA get me as comfy as possible.  I even get fresh water!  She did tell me that she had a terrible time understanding the report from 4th floor because to the language barrier so I give her the Readers Digest condensed version of my time on the 4th floor.  She assures me that things won't be like that there, and I'm glad to say that they were not.

They had a dry erase board there and actually used it.  I knew who was on shift and even what day it was!  When I used the call bell it was answered.   They made every effort to be sure that things were within my reach.  Even got me out of bed and settled into a reclining chair.  So I was then able to actually eat like a normal person!  The few times I had a special request from the kitchen I got what I wanted within 10 minutes! 

And get this!  In the morning.....I was given a bed bath, toothbrush and toothpaste.  My sheets were changed as was my gown.  One day they were even changed twice!  (Dr Weiland pulled my drains and made a little mess)

After my first day on the 5th floor I was a little more mobile, so the routine became that I would get out of bed about 1/2 hour before meals, get to the bathroom and wash up as best I could.  Because I wasn't able to bend over I did still need some help bathing and had no problem getting assistance.  (As a matter of fact, the last 2 days I was even able to shower!)  I would stay in my chair for about 2 hours, then with help get back into bed for a few hours till the next meal.  In between I would walk the halls and you know the first place I walked to was the scale!   Wasn't I pumped to find that I was down to 165!  If I could have done a happy dance I would have :o) 

So Sunday and Monday this was my routine.  Sunday my Foley was removed and I had no problem peeing again.  Only took me about 20 minutes to get the urge.  Monday Dr Weiland removed my JP's.  Wish he gave me a second to hit that PCA first though!  Gawd that hurt!!!  But by the time he got to the second the morphine had kicked in and #3 and #4 were a piece of cake.  I fully expected to go home with 2 drains so I was pleasantly surprised to have them removed.  That's when I was given permission to shower too!  At that point we were hoping I could go home on Tuesday.

Tuesday rolls around and my RN Olga helps clean me up and puts my binder on and for some reason it's causing me a lot of discomfort.   More and more as the day goes on.  By the time Dr Weiland comes in I'm pretty miserable.  Seems that I have become impacted.  Now I had been warned about this, was taking stool softeners, drinking tons of water and walking like crazy but seems it didn't help. 

He asked did I want to stay another night and I thought it wise to do so as I didn't think DH could deal with this at home.  He comes back and tells me that Aetna won't pay for an additional night.  He agrees that I should be there and says that we can fight it later but he had to inform me that they said no.  I decided that at this point we would work on this durned impaction and if it "cleared" could he discharge me later in the evening?  He was agreeable to that so we proceeded with treatment.

Now I've never had a suppository in my life and more people had their fingers up my butt that I ever, ever wanted!  So we tried a suppository and there I laid for about 45 minutes, waiting to feel something.  I finally got up, shuffled off to the bathroom and tried to go.  I screamed, shouted and prayed to Gods I didn't know existed!  and after 45 minutes nothing passed.....just drops of blood.    Seems that I was trying so hard to go that I tore some tissue.  I also think I popped some internal stitches too. 

At this point I rang the bell (change of shift...bad move) and asked for the next step and something for the pain.   (I was off the PCA at this point)   This was probably the worst time I had on the 5th floor.   A CNA answered and told me my RN would be right in.  After about 20 minutes I went to the desk to ask for help.  I was in agony.  Still the CNA tells me that my RN is busy but will be in and off she goes into someone else's room.  So I know she never told the RN I needed help.  I go back to my room, crawl into bed and bawl my eyes out.   I'm no wimp but I've never had pain like this.  After 45 minutes I go out again and start to make a scene.  Finally after about 70 minutes my RN comes in appearing somewhat miffed and giving me excuses why she hadn't been there sooner.  I told her I didn't care about that, but if someone had just told me it would be 20 minutes I'd have waited 20 minutes!  I was in agony and needed help! 

She came back with percocet and a new suppository and I said nope!  I wanted something that would work faster, give me Demerol.  And she did.  So shot of Demerol and new suppository and there I lay again.  Finally 45 minutes later I think....maybe.....so off I go again.  And here comes my RN to check on me.  She tells me to call if I need anything.  With the help of the Demerol I am finally able to unplug the proverbial dam and get some relief.  Folks, I know that this is more than you needed to know but I felt like it would never stop! 

When I finally came out I called the RN, told her of my success and apologized for going off on her.  She was very gracious about it and said that she realized it was the pain talking, not me.  We discussed how Aetna wouldn't cover this last nights stay and said that there was no way they could have released me.  I could have had a bowel obstruction and the hospital was the place for me. 

So I get tucked back into bed, (it's like 10:30 now) and I decided I'm not going home.  After lying there for a while I realize that I feel the urge to pee but hadn't peed since before supper.  I go and try to pee and can't!  Call my RN again and she says that I've been so impacted that it must have shutdown my bladder somehow.   Yet another reason for keeping me.  I was afraid they would have to catheterize me again.  She said give it a little time for everything to relax and keep trying.  Finally, after about 8 hours of no urination I was able to go. 

So, give me a sleeping pill, a pain shot and I was off to sleep.  Dr Weiland called at 9am and discharged me!  I'm glad I stayed that last night.   There was no way I could have endured that at home and I feel that the Demerol helped me push enough to be able to go. 

You all know by now about my trip to the ER on Thursday.  I did have a little more trauma on Saturday.  Had to call my Doc because I got really bloated and my tummy got hard as a rock.  He called me back and had me meet him in his office on Sunday morning.  Took me off the antibiotics.  He thinks that they allowed some bad bacteria to grow, inflating my colon causing this pain and swelling.    Also suggested that I get some yogurt too.  He made me promise to call on Monday and I did!

Sooooo, for the past 48 hours or so there has been nothing major going on.  Thank goodness!  And for those who inquired, I am going to report my care to the proper authorities and have also been contacted by a local news channel about this as well.   Not quite sure what I'm going to do but I'll keep you all posted!

To those who read my novella...thanks!  and for those who pressed delete....well I'll never know!  Again, thanks for all the notes and well wishes.

8/21/2001  Well I went for my checkup with my PS yesterday.  Hard to believe that it's 2 weeks since surgery already!  I have to admit that it's a unique feeling, being in the exam room with the surgeon, his nurse, my DH and being naked as the proverbial jaybird!  Funny thing, DH says he's getting tired of seeing me nude!   (think maybe my self image is improving already?)

Anyhow, the doc is pleased at the way I'm healing.   Looks like my new belly button is taking well.  He'll remove the stitches next week.  He surprised that I have so much looseness just below my breasts as he says it was nice and tight when he finished the surgery.  So needless to say he wants to do some "tweaking."  I have no great problem with that because I do realize that everything can't be done all at once and that tweaking is probably the way to go. 

Only one more week with the binder.   It's funny how each PS has different protocols.  I've seen so many posts from folks who had their JP's in for weeks yet mine were pulled in the hospital.   Others wear their binders for months and it looks like it will be 3 weeks for me.  I will admit that I feel like my binder is a security blanket.   Kind of get that feeling that my insides are going to fall out if I don't wear it. 

And now the good new/bad news thing.  Seems that I got me a big old hernia!  What's good about that you ask?  Well it means that insurance will pay for the hernia and at the same time the PS can retighten my upper abdomen. 

How did I get this hernia?  (I find this funny since I've been joking that since WLS I was looking for a heavy rock to pick up!)  When I was impacted in the hospital, trying to give birth to God knows what....screaming and praying to any and all deities, I felt several pops in my tummy (not poops, pops!)   Looks like it was internal stitches and poof!  Hernia!

Dr Weiland and I are already discussing the next phase.  He wants to do my arms and boobs at the same time.  And you'll love this!  He can remove the part of my arm pit that grow hair!  He would start at my elbow, do some sort of "Z" thing in the arm pit, then grab that excess flesh that pops out the side of my bra, lift my breasts and then maybe implants.  I want small ones (200 cc's) and he says 400cc's.  We shall see about that!  He says that 400 cc's are a C cup and I don't think I want to be that big. 

I hope that insurance will pay for most of that but I'm sure I'll have to pay for the implants.  He said we could start with phase 2 in about a month if I wanted.  But now I have to try to time things for long weekends.   I can't afford a month  off from work with each surgery.  My boss is great but you can only push so much!  I think and hope that this was the most complicated surgery and that all others will be shorter. 

So what's next?  I'm not really sure.   Maybe we will work on the arms, boobs and hernia all at once if possible.  I think with winter coming I can wait for my thighs.  (slacks and long skirts again)  So we'll start submitting to Aetna and see what will happen!

 8/23/01 Just wanted to add something to my previous posts.  I mentioned somewhere that one of Dr Weiland's nurses had problems as well with the hospital and her mom being in there.  I had that completely wrong and I do apologized for any misconception.  The conversation we had was about a language barrier many years before. 

8/29/01  Howdy all!  I've been holding a 2 day pity party for myself and I declare it officially over!  I've been whining, pouting, and generally a miserable b*tch!   (I know..so what makes these past 2 days different from any other?)

I went to see Dr Weiland today and I vented to him.  I vented so much that I didn't even let Bob come with me. Told him he would be embarrassed!

I vented about my weight gain.  He's clueless.  Says he doesn't see 11 lbs of swelling on me (oh yeah, 10.5 the scale did drop 1/2 lb today)  I think it's something like 3500 extra calories that you have to eat a day in order to gain a pound.  Trust me, I haven't and can't do that!  All we can think of is that it's the inactivity.  Normally at work just in the course of a normal day I walk 2 to 2.5 miles and then try and walked 3 miles 3 times a week.  Well I've been just sitting on my dead butt for 3 weeks and I suppose that's made a difference!  But I won't obsess about it anymore.  If I follow my program then the math will work!  X amount of calories = X amount of weight gain or weight loss!  Simple math, right?

I vented about the pain.  He says I'm doing fine!  My body has been through a major trauma and I won't recover from it overnight, no matter how much I b*tch and moan!  And then he proceeded to give me more owwies!  He removed all the invisible stitches that didn't dissolve and also removed the stitches from my belly button.  Now that hurt enough...but then he put silver nitrate in it.  OW!   I'm good with pain but this hurt like hell!  I asked if he was done hurting me yet and he said, 'Nope!" and I swear he was chuckling out loud when he said it too!   I looked up silver nitrate, and this is what it is,  a mixture of silver nitrate with hydrochloric acid, sodium chloride, or potassium nitrate.  Seems it cauterizes and somehow clears up infections too.  So he burned the pus out of my BB with acid! Damn, no wonder it hurt!

I vented about sleep, and how I'm not sleeping well.  I'm lucky to get 5 1/2 hours a night.  Again, he says it has to do with the trauma of the surgery.   Says it changes your sleeping patterns and it takes your body a while to get back to normal.  Again, I have to think that getting back to work will help.

Speaking of which.....I'm going back on Monday.  First week half days then back to my 40 plus hours.  I'm really pumped about that and I think that was the news that I really wanted to hear.

And finally, we discussed upcoming surgeries.  He says that this was the toughest one for me and that nothing else should require any overnight stays in the hospital.  So pending insurance approval, what we are looking at now is  over Thanksgiving he will repair my hernia, tweak my upper tummy and hopefully do my arms.   He's thinking about doing my thighs in 2 steps, inner then outer thighs.  He says that inner thighs would require several days in bed as walking or moving would be a baaaad thing for the incision.  But I'm not going to worry about that now!

So....back to moving in a positive and forward direction, taking control back of my life and getting back to normal! (whatever that is!)

Love ya's all!

10/11/01  Well, it's been about 6 weeks since I last wrote.  So much has gone on in the world that my trials and tribulations seem so minor.  But for those who have been asking, here's the latest updates. 

I just had my 2 month checkup with Dr Weiland yesterday.  He's pleased as can be with my results!  I've lost the excess  weight (thank goodness!) and am back down to 164.  Aetna denied my request for my arms and legs so I have appealed their decision.  They have 30 days to get back to me so by the beginning of November I will hopefully have good news.  In the meantime Dr Weiland will do my hernia repair and tweak my tummy.  He just wants to limit my time under anesthesia and would like to do my arms at the same time.  So keep your fingers crossed for me. 

I'll be going to see Dr Fisher the end of this month for my 3 year checkup and go for my upper GI and blood work next week.  I'm real curious to see the results of my blood.  I've been exhausted since my tummy tuck and will not be too surprised if my iron has bottomed out again.  I have a hunch it's time for another iron infusion. 

So there will be more info coming by the end of the month.  In the meantime, I wanted to share with you my last post to OSSG.  We went to Disneyland and I wrote all about it! 

Hello my dear friends!

Well I'm happy to report that we have returned home safe, sound and with less money than when we headed for Disneyland on Sunday!  But boy oh boy did I do some serious shopping!  I think I have a whole new Disney wardrobe! Now I just need to find places to wear it all!

Just a few comments on our weekend.  As I said, we had a great time and........I went on not 1, not 2  but THREE ROLLER COASTERS!!!       Now some of you mat be aware that I am petrified of coasters.  Loved them as a child but got so frightened by one that they had to stop the ride to take me off.  I haven't been on a roller coaster since I was about 6.   (no need to do that math...let's just say it's been a while!)  Now last year when we went to Disneyland, I considered going on a coaster, but knew that Bob was as frightened of them as I was.  In the car on the way home he told me that if I really wanted to he would have gone on one with me.  Of course, at that time we were 200 miles from Disney so he knew he was safe!  But this year I took him up on it.   Not only did I face my fears....I dragged him along with me (not unlike the roller coaster ride of WLS!)  First we went on Thunder Mountain (I was pretty sure I was going to die!) then we went on Space Mountain (glad that was in the dark, cause if I could have seen the drops and curves I just know I would have died!) and finally we went on the Grizzly River Run in California Adventureland (a log flume...after going on the other two...it was so much fun!) 

Now as I type this message, I can see an amazing similarity between facing these fears and the fears I had about WLS.  I was scared, petrified into not being able to move or make a decision about anything before WLS.  I did nothing but eat and sleep.  I can't even say I worked during that time.  I showed up for work but never really did anything productive.  Then I told DH I wanted to do this.....and we were on an "E" ticket ride!  First was the anticipation of Thunder Mountain.  Feeling frightened and anxious.  Looking at all the people ahead of me and those coming off the ride.  No one left on a stretcher....lots of folks younger and older than me...and they were all ok!  So maybe, just maybe I could do this and survive!  The fear of the unknown was like going on Space Mountain.  I didn't really know what was coming ahead.... some of it made me nauseous,  dizzy, scared beyond all belief but mostly some of it was so exciting I couldn't believe it!  And finally....like going on the log flume....I started to enjoy this trip I'm on.  Wanted to share my happiness and excitement with others....and I hope I have! 

And now the good news/bad news thing.  While we had a great time in Anaheim....I did see one thing that distressed me terribly.  So much that I had to file a complaint and will also follow up with a letter to Disney as well.   I don't think I'm over-reacting but I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

While at California Adventureland we went out to Paradise Pier, which is supposed to be like a beach town...rides, arcades, gift shops (of course!)   And since I was in my shopping mode I went into a souvenir shop that had a display called "Side Show Shirts."  And there on a wall about 8 by 8 was a circus poster of "Lovely Little Lilly....Lonely Lady  592 lbs!  Born 6 lbs 8 ounces!"  Well my friends...I was just stunned at this.  Maybe it hit a little to close to home for me.  But at a Disney park of all places..to see a morbidly obese woman...as a side show attraction...well it hurt, hurt bad!  My 500 lbs wasn't too far from 592.  It was just a matter of time before I would have hit 600 lbs.  I kept coming back to this display....just stunned, remembering the looks, taunts and comments of people.  The more I thought about it, the more I felt I had to do something.  So I went to City Hall and filed a complaint, and will also follow up with a letter (snail mail).  I told the woman that I didn't see pictures of Siamese Twins, or the Dog Faced Boy, or the 2 headed baby!  So why a picture of a MO woman?!   I don't know....maybe I was being overly sensitive....but I saw it as Disney endorsing the last acceptable prejudice...and I didn't like it!

And the good news part of this....(hard to believe but something DID make me feel better!)  I took a little test at the Animation Studio and found out what I knew all along....that I AM a princess!  So I set out to find me a proper Princess shirt!  I found a sweat shirt I liked but it was $48 and that's just too darn much for a shirt!  We hit a zillion shops and couldn't even find a tee shirt with the same design.  Finally I found a display of sweatshirts, but alas and alack...they were children's shirts.  Just on a hunch, I tried a large...and it fit!   and it was ONLY $28  so I could justify buying it as I just saved $20!   (don't you just love the way my mind works?)  The sales lady saw me trying it on and when I went to pay she said, "You're so lucky being small...you can wear children's clothes!  You're so tiny like my daughter....she can do that too."   I could have kissed this woman!  She has no idea what her comments meant to me!  Me??  Tiny???  Nahhhhh!!!

And on that note folks......
Sending great big cyber hugggzz to all!

12/16/01  Here I go again!  Trying to catch up on my life in a few short paragraphs.  So much has happened and I have so much to share with you all!   Some of you may have had some difficulties getting to my site recently.  I've been having problems with Homestead who hosts my site.  Seems I've gotten too popular and because I'm getting so many hits they are now charging me for additional bandwidth.   So I have to rebuild my site and look for a new home for it!  But with the holidays just around the corner time has become an issue.  But I'll get to it!

Ok, updates!!  I had my three year checkup on 10/25.  Doc says that from my UGI that my RNY looks  just as good as when he first it.  He sees no significant difference between year 1 and year 3....and that's good!  He's pleased as can be with me.  Says it's rare that at 3 years out for someone to still be losing....even if it is slowly.  Also seems that my triglycerides are the lowest of any of his patients and he wants me to add 1 tablespoon of corn oil to my diet every day.   Add it to my salad, yogurt, protein, oatmeal, whatever!  I told him I don't eat much fats and I guess my labs support that!  I think corn oil has poly unsaturated fat and that's what I'm lacking in.  I also have very dry skin so I guess I'll get a smooth and shiny coat too!   All in all Doc and I are pretty darn happy with my results! 

And here is my three years post to the OSSG groups.

To all of you who have come to mean so much to me!

Today is the three-year anniversary of my surgery.  I don't think that I have anything terribly profound to say so no need to dust off my soapbox.  (but you guys know how my fingers and brain tend to go on and on!) 

My thoughts today have been reflecting on my daily activities.  Things that I do now, without a second thought that I couldn't do before.  Simple things really.  Picking up a paper clip off the floor, carrying boxes and bags without excruciating back pain, fitting in a chair with arms, getting in and out of the car gracefully, blending in, standing out, not living each and every day in fear.  So much, so very much to be thankful for....and I truly am that!

Yesterday when I saw my surgeon he asked me several thought provoking questions.  (he does have the darndest way of making me think!)  He asked me why I'm so hard on myself.  My first thought was that my Mom is dead and there's no one else to do it!  But then I thought why?  I think it's because if I'm not hard on myself, I'm afraid that I'll backslide.  We all know how insidious weight gain is and how it sneaks up on you.  So I constantly police myself and beat up on myself when I do slip.  But maybe I should treat myself better....I don't know.  

He also said that he thinks I have a "touch" of OCD.  DUH!   Like I didn't know that!  Hell, I can worry just about anything and anyone to death!  When I weigh myself I weigh 2 -3 times, till I get 2 weights that match.  Just once isn't enough for me!  (my DH hides the scale from me when he wants a little s*x!  Talk about pushing my buttons!  Whip me, beat me, take away my credit cards.....but DON'T TAKE MY SCALE!! 

Anyhow I digress..... Doc thinks that my website is a compulsion of mine, but a healthy one.  I think that without it, I'd backslide.   Writing so many of you and posting my life changes is part of what keeps me sane and focused.  It's my passion and I'm so lucky to have found a place and a way that I can touch peoples lives and maybe, just maybe help them through a tough time or a difficult decision. 

Ok, I promised that I wouldn't go on and on and I won't.   I love you all, and I'm so happy to be able to share this day with you all!   Thank you so much for being a part of my life.

And yet another big day came.  It's just easier copy what I shared with my group....

Hello to all of you fine people!  I've got such good news (to me at least) that I want to shout it from the rooftops.  Since I can't get up on the roof, this is the next best thing!  Ok, here it is........SHE'S READY!!!!!

Ok, translation :o)  I received a phone call on Saturday from my niece who asked me to stop over as her mom (my sister) wanted to talk to me.  I got stressed, got angry and by the time I got to her house was a bit of a wild woman.   Imagine my surprise when I got there my sister was crying......reaching out to me and sobbing......"I've bottomed out.  I'm ready.  Will you help me?"   I hugged her and asked if she was saying what I hoped she was saying.  She said, "YES!" 

So my dear friends and confidants.....at long last my sister is ready to have WLS.  I can't begin to tell you how happy this makes me.  My niece Connie (Carol's daughter) is also ready to make the commitment as well.  Connie has been wanting WLS for a long time but worried so about her mom that she wouldn't consider having it until Carol had hers first.  She knows that Carol needs it so much more.

So tonight at support group I made the announcement that Carol would be at seminar and these wonderful people made a point of attending seminar and greeting and hugging Carol and Connie, offering their unconditional support.  What special people they are :o) 

I don't know what turned Carol around but I'm so grateful that she arrived at this decision on her own.  I said to her that I tried not to push and she told me I didn't.  She said that she has been watching me these past 3 years.  Watching the changes my life has taken, the choices I've made and how I've adjusted.  She says she's never been jealous but has been envious.  And now, she is ready to commit and make these changes herself. 

I am so proud of her and Connie!  Thanks so much for allowing me to share my joy with you all.

What this means is that at last my sister who I love so much, is ready to start her journey towards WLS.  I am so happy to be able to help her and to be there for her.  It's so exciting for me, you can't imagine!  It's like going on my journey again, but  not being frightened out of my boots.  And I am able to calm her fears, answer her questions and help her on the way.  Connie my niece, will also be starting too on a journey towards the lapband.  I'll post more as things progress :o)

Ok, that takes us to early November!  I've been working still at getting my arms and legs approved from Aetna and as you may be aware, they denied two appeals.  So all I had left to do was file for an External Review.  This was the last and final step I could take.  It involves Aetna sending all my files to an independent physician to determine if I could have this surgery.  Now Aetna wasn't saying that they were specifically excluding the excision of excess skin.  They said it was cosmetic and not medically necessary.  So I sent off my request for External Review on the anniversary date of my surgery.  (Hey, maybe using that date would be lucky for me!)  WelI I waited and waited patiently (NOT!)  And after 2 weeks got a letter from the External Review saying that they had just received my files.  That meant that they had 30 days to decide.  There was no one for me to call, so I had to sit and wait. 

In the meantime, Dr Weiland and I decided to go on and do my hernia repair and tummy "tweaking."  My lower abdomen looks great, but my upper tummy got loose so Dr Weiland said while he as fixing the hernia he could remove some more skin.   I had my hernia surgery and tummy tweaking on December 7th.  Everything went well.  It was day surgery.  I was at the outpatient center at 5:45 am, in the OR by 7am, woke up at 9:00  By 9:15 two nurses were pulling on my clothes and by 9:30 I was in the car on the way home!  It's pretty painful but not as bad as the truncoplasty.  I took off from work on Monday and went back on Tuesday.  I've pretty much been working 1/2 days but hope to be back to full time this week.  It's been tough getting ready for the holidays but I have to remind myself that I can only do so much.  So the theme this year is "simplicity".  I'm making things as easy as I can.  If my house isn't immaculate....oh well! 

When I went for my first postop visit with Dr Weiland I finally got to see my incision.  It's pretty similar to my RNY incision actually.  From between my boobs to just below my belly button.  He saved my new belly button, and relocated it a little.  Took another few inches of skin from my upper tummy, repaired the hernia and while he was there....tightened my tummy mucles a little more!  Now I'm still really swollen and have to wear my binder for 2-3 weeks, but I gotta tell you that I can actually see my waist!!  And when I raise my arms I can see my ribs!  He did a great job and I'm pleased as can be!

And now the really, really big news!!!  At work on Tuesday my DH called to tell me that I had a FedEx letter from the External Review folks.  Now I knew that they had till the 16th to give me a decision, but had decided to put it into God's hands.  So I had DH open the letter and read it to me.  I love my hubby to death but he is a really poor reader and I didn't think he'd ever get to the decision part.  But bottom line here is what they said:

Questions to be addressed by this review:

1.  Is the surgical removal of excessive skin and subcutaneous tissue from around the arms and legs cosmetic?

                   No.

So my friends, this means that I won my appeal!!!  This reviewer said   and I quote, "This patients condition warrants medical corrective surgery to deal with intertrigo and results following surgery for morbid obesity. "  What a wonderful person this reviewer is!!!   I don't have any other details yet but am hoping to have my arms and legs done sometime in March or April.  And unless I win the lottery and decided to get my boobs done, that will be the end of the reconstructive road for me!! 

3/19/02  I'm baaaack!  I know, I know....I promise and I promise then I never journal!  Shame on me!  Really, it seems like time has been at a standstill these past few months so I've been negligent about writing.  So here goes again.

My sister has been working hard at getting her ducks in a row.  She's had all her testing done and was waiting patiently to have her OC visit with Dr Fisher.   I attended with her after promising Doc that I would keep my mouth shut and let Carol answer the questions.  Well, after a two hour exam and Q&A, Doc gave her a date of April 15th.  Now this was in early February so though 2 months away, Carol was ok with that date.  Seems once she had an actual day to focus on then she could go about making plans.  And so she has.

Then one day at work (we work together) a co-worker was reading our cards.   She asked if it were possible for Carol's surgery to be moved up.  We replied that it was possible, but not probable.  It rarely happens.  Several hours later the two of them were standing in my office with foolish grins on their faces.  Seems that Dr Fishers office had just called to ask if Carol would be interested in an earlier date.  Silly question!!  So her new date is March 25, 2002.  That's just around the corner!  So suddenly, things being moved up a month...Carol had to start moving!  Doc had asked that she get cardiac clearance and though coming down to the last minute, I'm sure that she will be able to get that.  Just a matter of getting some tests done.  Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer that all goes well.   If she can't get these tests done, Dr Fisher will postpone her surgery.  And no one wants to see THAT happen!  I'll let you all know about her progress.   Hopefully I can get her to build a website too!

And now to update you on my reconstructive surgery.  Well on the same day that Carol's date got changed, so did mine.  It seems that the hospital that I was to have my surgery at didn't accept my health insurance.  So instead of having surgery on March 14th, mine was postponed to April 3rd.  Maybe the reason is so I can be around to look after Carol for a bit.  I'm very disappointed of course.....but now the 3rd is just around the corner so I'm getting excited.  The bad news is that I will be back at Summerlin Hospital...where I had such a bad experience last summer.   Here's hoping that history doesn't repeat itself!  I've already taken my "before" pictures and will be posting them after my surgery.  So hopefully, while I'm recovering I'll be able to update my site more.  I understand sitting will be hard for me so I don't know for sure just how much I'll be able to do.  Till then my friends please keep my dear sister in your thoughts and prayers.

4/20/02  Well, it didn't take me as long this time to post an update.  Well the news that I've been waiting to share with you all has finally come to be.  My dear sister Carol has successfully made it to "the other side!"  She went into her surgery calm, serene and even glowing with anticipation and anxious to proceed on her journey.  I asked Doc to take special care of my sister and he said he'd do his best.  What more could I ask!

In less than 2 hours Doc found us to let us know that everything went great and Carol was doing well.  Nothing unexpected and no complication.  What a great doctor :o) 

I'd like to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.  I have no doubt they helped guide Doc's skilled hands. 

And for an update on me and my reconstructive surgery. 

Wednesday April 3rd we arrived bright and early at Summerlin Hospital.  I was quickly taken into the preop area where to my surprise some of the staff remembered me from my truncoplasty.  I got changed into my designer gown and booties and scooted into my bed.  Nurse Pam came to take my info, vitals and such and decided against starting an IV or giving me a bracelet since my arms and legs were being operated on.Within about 10 minutes Dr Tom comes in and visits, also asks me a few questions.  Ya gotta love this guy...he dresses like Jimmy Buffet!  Surgical scrubs with a Hawaiian shirt.  Everything but the Parrothead hat :o)  We chat for a few.  I remind him about NO NG tube and that I used to get quite nauseous from anesthesia.  I didn't the last time but don't want to have the dry heaves with my tiny pouch.  He decides to start an IV in my hand for now, says they will move it during surgery.   

So here comes Dr Weiland with his black sharpy.....ready to mark me up.  And so he did.  Drop the gown, get naked and get marked!  This is no time for modesty!  Dr W tells me he will start on my legs and that it should be quite long...about 6 hours.  But he doesn't anticipate any problems.  I notice Dr Tom back at my side with a syringe slowly injecting something..........next thing I know I'm in recovery!  Never got a ride to the OR, never got to count backwards.  Do you think they put me out early for a reason??  Hmmm?? 

Next thing I hear is "wake up Sue...it's 2:30 and your operation is over"  Wow!  I slowly open my eyes and see that everything is still attached to me.  I'm not nauseous (which is good!) my legs are completely wrapped and my arms are on tables at my side.  I feel like I've been crucified!  A friend of mine pulled some strings and managed to get my DH into recovery.  Boy was I glad to see him!  I don't know how long I was there.  Bob told me that my surgery was 7.5 hours and that the legs took most of the time.  Dr Weiland called Bob on his cell pretty frequently to let him know what was going on.   

Then Poof!  Bob is gone and they announce they have a room for me.  They tuck my arms in and whisk me up to the 5th floor (surgical floor)  Imagine my surprise when I get the 2 room suite!  Beautiful view of the mountains, a sitting room and a great private room.  And even better a nurse I had from August who also remembered me!  (quite a few of the staff came in and wanted to see how I was.  Seems I made quite an impression before!)  

At this point I'm told that I'm not to bend my arms...no PCA, I must ask for my meds....and also must ask for any itch to be scratched too!  I had no idea my face could itch that much!  (or tummy, or toes, or neck.......)  Counting on the degree of pain I had, I was given either Demerol IM with a chaser of something I can't remember, or percocet. These really handled the pain nicely but I had the worst case of the itchies!  And then between the narcotics and the anesthesia I was so incredibly thirsty!  Now I don't know about you guys....I can drink pretty good but I can't guzzle water.  And oh how I wanted to!  My mouth was so dry my tongue got stuck and I couldn't speak!  So these kind-hearted nurses....every time they went by my room came in to give me a drink.  Even in the wee small hours of the morning.   

Day one and two pretty much are blurry...lots of pain killers.  This hurt in a different way than the truncoplasty.  That hurt mind you...the muscles and all....but this hurt all over!  I couldn't move without pain so I slept a lot.  Did I mention I had to be fed too!  One of the aides just couldn't understand why I had to eat slowly.  She was shoveling the food into my mouth and trying to get the job done.  After I mentioned this to my favorite nurse Carla..she spoke to the aide who went very, very slowly at lunch.  Kept telling me not to eat too fast!  How funny!  It became a joke between us.  The food was great, I asked for a sugar free low carb diet and that's what I got so no problems with food.  I also took a couple of protein shakes and bars with me just in case...... 

Day three rolls around and Horrors!!  My catheter is removed.  Now I know this is a bad thing!  I'm now ok to move slowly...but have to get up to pee every 2 hours!  Eeeeek!  (I suppose the benefit was that I got rid of the sequential stockings)  Again, the staff was great.  Coming when I called quickly which was very much appreciated.  We quickly found out that I couldn't skootch to the edge of the bed so we devised a way that they would just pull me on the draw sheet.  Once my feet could touch the floor I was ok.  Oh...and for those that were wondering where the IV was.....it was in my neck!  And I actually liked it there.  Didn't get tangled, I could easily change gowns and move around.  No infiltration or phlebitis.  We all know how much they hurt in your hand or wrist.  This was no problem!  It was in my jugular.  Not a central line...just a regular IV.  And they took my BP in either my ankle or calf.  Worked like a charm! 

At this point now I've had half the world looking at my nether region.  I'm cut from just below my knee...up to my groin and half way around the front and back.  My arms are from just below the elbow into and below the armpit.  I believe he also removed the part of arm pit that grows hair.  An added benefit!!  Also bandaged from the tips of my toes to my groin and from my fingertips to my armpits.  We (actually the nurses cause I sure couldn't see!) discovered that I had many blisters around my groin near the incisions.  Why we don't know for sure.  A tape allergy or is the skin just pulled that tight?  Lots of swelling that's for sure.  What a mess as these break.  Yucky stuff all over the place.   

I end up staying a total of 5 days.  Constipation problems again, then the blisters and incision.  I moved one day and part of the groin incision opened up.  Dr Weiland asks for a staple gun.  Silly me...I think he's joking!  Ouch!!  He sticks about 8 staples into the incision.  It wasn't terrible but I sure wasn't expecting it!   

Finally I'm going home.  Dr Weiland comes in....examines my incision and bails me out.  I get dressed and sit on the bed to wait for DH.  Bang....I've sprung another leak.  They call him and he comes back to the hospital (on a Sunday mind you....with his wife and kids waiting in the parking lot!)  puts in about 10 more staples and tells me to be careful!!  Ok, I'm gone! 

Come home, get changed and get into bed and more bleeding.  <Sigh> here we go again.  This time my right leg has opened.  Bob calls (cause Dr W said call if you need ANYTHING!)      He tells Bob just to butterfly it and he'll see me the next day in the office.  I spend the day in bed pretty uneventfully.  Gosh it's great to be home.  It's bedtime...I get tucked away as well as we could do.  I get up during the night to pee....try to climb into bed over my sea of pillows and pull my armpit.  I carefully touch and feel a wetness.  Yup, I tore that incision open too!  So I wake Bob and he butterflies that as well.   

Next day (4/8) we see Dr Weiland who says Bob did a great job.  He puts new steristrips on, rebandages me and tells me to come back on Friday.  I'm to take it easy!  Yeah right....me, take it easy!!  I try hard...but it's so frustrating.  Have you ever been wrapped like a mummy with the temperature 95 degrees?  I will not turn on the AC in April...I just won't!!  But gee it's hot!!  

I've had Bob take me to a few stores so I can ride the electric carts.  Funny how I'd never use them at 500 pounds but now it's acceptable!  I did have an old woman with a cane beat me out for a cart at K-mart.  I guess age does have it's privileges!!  (mean old biddy!)   And how the people stare!  But now I look em right back in the eye.  I'm not embarrassed at all!  A little girl pointed at me and said, "mommy...owwie!!"  But after going to see Dr W on Friday I've been restricted to being home.  He says I'm overdoing it and to stop..so I'll do my best to be good. 

4/12  Dr Weiland is very pleased with his work and removed a whole bunch of stitches. Ouch!! He's keeping the staples in till next week because of the way my skin is breaking down. I have several open places in my leg incisions that are filled with pus and pretty nasty looking. I'm to clean with peroxide and saline then cover with bacitracin. He feels it could be a matter of nutrition. I've been trying hard to increase my protein to 120 grams a day but my appetite is very small. Almost like postop RNY. So I've been sitting in a very unlady like position all day....getting air!  I've upped my protein and am trying hard to eat well.  I was 168 the day of surgery, 178 when I came home and 164 this morning.  Still a lot of swelling too. 

I complained of being so very tired and still having pain. This is really knocking me down so much more than the truncoplasty did. He looked at my hands (seems they are really white) and told me that I lost quite a bit of blood during surgery. He feels it's all about me making more! Said that if he did bloodwork he felt my hematocrit would be about 10. And to add insult to injury I got my period too. No wonder I feel crappy! Put that with the lack of sleep and I guess it all makes sense.

And as of my last appointment with Dr Weiland on Friday 4/19.  Seems that I had developed a small seroma in part of my incision.  I had seen Dr W on Tuesday and he drained it.  Well by Wednesday morning it had filled up again.  Bob and I tried to pop that bad boy ourselves but got nothing.  So like a good girl, I called his office on Thursday and he said he wanted to see me on Friday. 

He took me in during his lunch hour.  I should have been tipped off when I saw the exam room laid out with surgical drapes and trays.  Hmmm, I asked, "is he gonna hurt me today?"  Lisa said, "No, this time he's going to numb you!"  So in comes Dr W and he tells me that he's going to put a drain in my seroma.  I'm thinking it's better that this stuff is out of me than in me so I lay down he cuts and inserts a tube...a few stitches and my lump is gone!  I'll keep the drain in till I see him on Wednesday. 

I'm still tired beyond all belief.  Can't sleep but exhausted if that makes sense.  Just can't find a comfortable place to put myself in. I've never been a tummy sleeper, can't stay on my back long as my tailbone starts hurting like hell, and right now my legs are so heavy that I can't sleep on my side well. I've been stuffing pillows between my knees but with the oozing I'm having from my incision it just makes a mess of the pillows! But sooner or later, this too shall pass.

Keep checking back for more updates! 

5/8/2002  Well, for once I kept my promise and didn't stay away quite so long.  I gotta tell you.  This surgery has really kicked the crap out of me and if you asked me today if it was all worth it, I don't know how I would answer.  I know I'm pleased as can be with my arms.  I know that legs are difficult at best and it's not that I'm not happy with my legs.  It's that I'm not happy with all the pain and complications I have had.  But let me update you on all that.

Dr Weiland removed my drain on 4/24 and that part has nicely healed.  However it seems that there has been some damage/problem with my lymph system in my right leg.  I have lots of swelling, mostly from my knee down.  I have to keep it wrapped in an ace bandage and my pcp will give me treatments with a sequential boot that will help force the fluid back into my system. 

I had a double iron infusion 4/29.  It's a very uneventful day.  I packed water, a protein bar, a good book and promptly slept the day away thanks to the IV benedryl they give.  However, in about 3 days I started feeling much, much better.  I see the blood doctor on 5/13 and she will run my blood again so we shall see what good numbers I have now! 

So in the meantime, I'm merrily getting better and getting ready to go back to work.  Then I have a really bad night.  Lots of pain in the incision in my right knee.  But I couldn't wake up enough to take a pain pill.  Finally at 6 am I woke up in agony and took a percocet.  Managed to sleep till about 7:15.  I got up, had some coffee and sat down to check my email.  And then it started.  I couldn't get warm.  Started shivering and shaking.  So hard my muscles hurt!  Bob buried me in 4 blankets and we called Dr Weiland.  (my temp was going up one degree about every 15 minutes - it was 101 at this point)  Maureen (the nurse) came to the phone and I completely lost it.  Just started crying.  I was so scared.  Afraid it was a blood clot and I'd have to go back into the hospital.  Well Dr Weiland was in surgery so Maureen said to come in at 11:15. 

So I was going to get ready and took my temp again. 103 now!  I decided we should go right away.  If I was going to pass out or have a seizure I thought it should happen in his office not in my living room.  So off we went. 

They took me right in, covered me well, took vitals and held me hand and calmed me down till Dr Weiland came in.  Have I mentioned how wonderful his staff is?  I always feel so bad about calling and bothering them but they always reassure me that I'm doing the right thing. 

Anyhow, Dr Weiland came in, poked and prodded and announced that he would have to reopen my incision at the knee and put a drain in.  Seems that I had a staph infection starting.  And yes...it hurt like hell!  I was dizzy, light headed, head throbbing and spiking a high temp.  Felt as bad as a migraine.  Finally I started to feel better and was sent home with a new prescription and ordered to bed! 

So then Friday rolls around and I'm changing my dressing and manage to pull the drain out.  Damn it!!  So I call again and am told to come on in.  Dr W is at the ASPS conference but they will call him.  So I go in, Lisa (another nurse) checks it out and leaves a message for him to call.  He calls and says it's ok, he'll see me on Tuesday.  Just to keep it clean and keep taking the augmentin.  The girls also give me hell for doing too much and after reading me the riot act I decide to go home (no shopping) and take it easy.  After all, wasn't I just there with 103 fever?  Ok so I'm stubborn!

And to update you on my sister.  She's doing just great.  We attended her first support meeting last night and she's lost 24 pounds in 23 days.  Not too shabby!  She's having some problems with head hunger but that's something that she's going to have to learn how to deal with.   So my friends....I see the good doctor tomorrow and I'll try and post an update again soon!

5/10/02  Taaadaaa…did you ever think I’d post a new entry this quickly?  I sure didn’t.  Just wanted to update on my last visit to Dr Weiland.  He feels that I’m getting better which is a good thing!  The cellulitus is about the same size but I’m on z-pak now and seem to be responding to it.  He also thinks I may have a small absess under the cellulitus but that the antibiotic will take care of that.  Just keep it clean and repack it twice a day.  Hopefully I’ll be able to go back to work in about 7-10 days.  Gosh I hope so! 

And just in case you didn’t see the latest news.  I made the national paper!  I was contacted through email by someone who said he was an editor for USA Today and wanted to include me in a story he was doing on WLS.  He had the lapband done and wanted to add a part about reconstructive surgery.  So I checked him out, found out he was legit and answered his questions.  Then Bam!  There it was in yesterdays paper.  Click here to read the article. 

7/6/02
Well, once again it's been entirely too long since I've updated.  But I'm enjoying a great 4 day holiday weekend and finally have some "Sue time" so I'll work on my page for a little today. 

Well I went back to work after 7 longs weeks off (without pay, ouch!)  I started off slow, working 1/2 days.  I had another iron infusion when I went back to my blood doctor.  Seems my H&H were still too low so before I left she insisted I have another.  This one seemed to finally do the trick.  It's amazing how tired you feel when you aren't making blood!  The doctor says that she will follow me more closely now and won't let my labs get that low again.  It's just too hard to get them back into normal range.  That's ok with me!

I also saw Dr Weiland several more times.  All routine checkups!!  I won't see him for three months now.  On the whole he's happy about my results.  My incision did keloid at my knee (where the drain was) and at my elbows.  He says to give it 3 months, see how it heals and if it remains ugly he will excise the scars in his office (can you say ouch!) and stitch me back up.  I'll be posting more pictures soon, I promise!

(from a post to the OSSG Grads group)
Well here's one I haven't seen on before. I saw my primary doctor and he told me that I am protein malnourished. He says that it has to do with the malabsorption of my WLS. Dr Fisher has told me that I am proximal (a long proximal actually due to my starting weight) but I've always believed that he tweaked just a little extra! One reason I think that is because I lost so much the first year postop (250 pounds) and that I am unable to absorb iron from my food at all. I normally get yearly iron infusions but due to my H & H getting so low combined with the blood
loss I've had 3 grams of iron infused in 2 weeks. Glad to report that my ferritin is up to 484!

Now I know that after having 3 major surgeries in 8 months hasn't helped my situation at all. I started doing protein supplements before and after my surgeries and I truly believed they helped me heal so well with the first 2 operations. But what the heck happened with this last surgery? Ok, I'm getting off the point. My pcp says that right as a result of this malnourished stuff that I will have swelling in my legs (I do!) and that I should get support hose. (and gave me a website that is very reasonable (Ames Walker Support Hosiery) He said that because of this swelling that I will be more prone to strep infections in my legs and that if I do get an infection I would require a 6 week course of antibiotics. He also wants to treat my legs with sequential boots of some sort (similar to the sequential stockings they hook you up to in the hospital) Also that this will result in my immune system not being up to snuff. He gave me a pneumonia vaccine and wants me to be sure to get yearly flu shots as well.

So this hasn't been fun needless to say.  My ankles are swelling like crazy.  I forgot what it looked like and felt like!  Water pills are of no use.  From the way it's been explained to me, protein and water kind of balance themselves out.  If you are lacking in protein, then the water fills in the space resulting is swelling.  I'm trying hard to get in more protein...working at 3-5 supplements a day.  We'll see what my next blood work says.

And to update those who were wondering about my dear sister.  She is doing just great.  I'm so proud of her.  She's lost about 60 pounds now and is under 300!  Can I hear a woohoo??  She's so motivated and to see how active she is becoming is just amazing.  She attends support group with me and I hope gets a lot out of it. 

Oh one more thing....I think :o)  I had the opportunity to attend the ASBS meeting here in Las Vegas.  It was just a blast.  I got to finally meet all the folks (or many) that I've been emailing for years.  I got to meet many of the doctors whose names I've seen as people's signatures.  And now, I can add voices when I read emails.  I'm going to post the pictures on my Pictures page.  And did I mention that I got to meet Carnie Wilson?   We chatted for a few minutes about our reconstructive surgery.  She's very sweet and has done so much to make WLS become acceptable. 

And last but certainly not least....this is my Independence Day post to OSSG

Hello all!,
I've had a lovely day off (part of a great four day weekend) and while messing around the house and yard have been reflecting on Independence Day and what it means. Now since September 11th, patriotism is at an all time high. I've seen more flags, more red white and blue and the best fireworks ever this weekend! People sang God Bless America and The Star Spangled Banner loudly and with pride. So we all know how good it feels to share this feeling with everyone around us.

But now I'm thinking of a different independence. One that weight loss surgery has given me. I have freedom now. Freedom from my prison of fat, my slavery to food and to the refrigerator. The chains that I carried around with me, day in and day out. How I huffed and puffed as I carried this burden. It was obvious to everyone who saw me that I was enslaved. That food was my master. And so people felt pity for me. Those that actually would look at me felt pity. Others never acknowledged that I existed. I wasn't worth anything to them. I had no value.

I now have rights. Rights that I never knew existed. Ok, maybe they existed for others, but not for me. I can look people in the eye and not feel embarrassed or ashamed of myself. I can walk with my head held up, not shuffling along, looking at the ground. I can speak and be heard, not whisper and whimper. I now have value. I can tell my story to anyone who will listen. I will speak loudly and clearly. I can give back. I can pay it forward. I am worth it. I have a life to live and I will live it the best way I know how. I will do all I can to help others with this journey. I will see those who want to remain invisible, for I have walked in their shoes. I know what it feels like and I never want to forget that pain.

8/5/02  Well, just when you thought it was save to go back into the ocean...dum, dum, dum, dum..........that darn shark gets you again!  It's been a pretty tough month for me.  So let me tell you what's been happening.  

After the July 4th holiday I went to work bright and early Monday morning.  My boss was already there (which doesn't happen often).  I said, "Wow, you're in early." and she said, "I came in to talk to you, come in."  Yup, the other shoe dropped.  Seems that she felt that (after nearly 2 years!) it just wasn't working out.  That we weren't a good fit, and that when the shock has worn off I'll see that she was right.  Holy Crap!! it happened again!!!!  Damn near an instant replay of my last job :o(  She had me pack up my desk, told me I would get my vacation pay and one weeks severance and tata!  Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Shocked?  Stunned?  Blindsided?  Hit by a truck??  Yup, that's how I was feeling!  Did I cry?  You bet I did, but when I got home....not in front of her.  I managed to walk out with my head held high.

So after a day or two of mourning for my job, I started updating my resume.  As I made my resume up, I realized that this is actually the 3rd time this has happened to me.  The last three jobs I was let go without warning.  So now I wonder....have I been that oblivious?  After 3 times.... it can't always be buttheads for bosses.  It must be me!  The first job I probably weighed 400 pounds, the second I had my surgery and was around 200 when I was let go.  And then there was now.  So I just keep questioning myself.....  I can only handle one earth shattering crisis a day. I'm definitely at my max right now!! I really don't know what it happened, I can only guess. I think that the time off for my surgeries didn't help (even though she said I could have the time) and possibly asking for the time off for ASBS meeting was the proverbial icing on the cake.

At this point, I don't know why it happened and I don't care to know. I'm so very, very angry. I'm not having a pity party....but I'm pissed! Not sleeping well, and just don't want to do much of anything. I know I'm plunging back into depression and I'm fighting it.

I had to see my pcp for a follow-up visit about my protein malnutrition.  I suppose the good news is that my feet aren't swelling, and I'm getting in 150 grams of protein a day so I'm thinking that's been helping.  But damn this doctor and his instincts.  He asked how I was and I said, "Fine!"  He stopped cold, looked at me and asked again....and I melted down.  I feel  as though I'm trying to put all my worries in little drawers and doing all I can to keep these drawers closed.....and they just keep popping open!  I don't have enough hands or feet to hold these drawers closed!  So he asked questions....I cried....he got me calmed down, gave me a big hug and doubled my anxiety meds!!  So maybe, just maybe I'll be able to get some sleep, and not dwell on these worries all night and day.

I'm feeling better now.  The medication has helped and at least I'm able to sleep at night and keep these thoughts, fears and worries tucked safely in their little drawers.  Someone wrote me and called this whole situation the "cosmic shoe"!  And here's what she wrote me: 

And I'd like to thank my friend Karen for those words.  They really made a difference to my mindset.  I'm so very, very lucky.  I have so many cyber friends...some I've been fortunate enough to meet live and in person and others are just pen pals!  These people have shown me nothing but kindness and support.  I keep their words and messages in my heart and I words alone can't begin to express my gratitude to them. 

And now for a little better news.  My sister is doing just great in her WLS journey.  I'm so very proud of her.  She's come a long way and is down over 70 pounds already!  And even more good news....my niece Connie is scheduled for her OC visit (office consult) on August 15th.  Carol and I will be going with her as her support people.  And if things go well....then she will get a surgery date!  So maybe the next time I post it will be that Connie has crossed to "the other side"! 

9/10/02  Ok, so I'm still not great at journaling but I'm getting better!  First I'd like to thank everyone who has emailed me their regrets and support concerning my job.  I very much appreciate your concern and good thoughts.  I'm still jobless but not for lack of trying.  I've applied to the TSA to be a screener at the airport.  I've qualified for the initial process but am waiting patiently for step two.  I also tested for a city job.  Did well, scored a 92.5 so hopefully I'm in the top 5-10!  It's good to know that (gulp) nearly 30 years after high school I can take a test and pass!

My battle with stress and depression has been "handled" nicely thanks to the world of pharmaceuticals!  My PCP has been working with me and we finally got to the correct dosage of Elavil.  So I can sleep the night through and don't find myself stressing 24/7.  The problems are still there, some better some worse.... 

My hubby had rotator cuff surgery in August so lucky woman that I am.....he's home for about 6 weeks!  So we've gone from only having evenings together (we had conflicting days off) to being together all the time!  He's feeling better and going to therapy three times a week.  They have put us into a hardship program so rather than pay $20 each time he goes (which I simply don't have....do the math for a month!) we pay $20 a week.  He's doing well though he's bored to tears!  I could find plenty for him to do.....but ya know....he's got this shoulder!

And happier news!  Connie went for her OC visit and it went very well.  It was funny...she was supposed to be seeing Dr Jim (Doc's new partner) for her OC but Doc did a swap and he took Connie.  I do believe she's become very special to him.  And after all, he did my surgery, my sister's and how could he let anyone else do Connie's?  As her support people Carol and I were of course there too! 

So off we go into the exam room and Doc starts his thing.  He's just too funny.  He says this will be short as the things he normally asks he doesn't need to ask Connie.  He knows why she wants surgery, he knows that she's done her research, he knows that she is well aware of the risks and rewards.  Of course she gets emotional and sheds a tear or 2.  When he asks if she has any questions, she says yes, will you do my surgery?  His reply is yes....and it will be sooner than later.  No need for her to wait because she has waited long enough already!  OMG were we happy about that!  So Connie was given the date of 9/18.  And then suddenly her head is spinning...so much to do in a month! 

Before I continue with this story I have a little funny to share with you all.  The day before her OC, Connie and I were shopping and her cell phone rang.  We do surveys locally for $$$ and it was the survey folks who were doing a fun survey.  One of the questions she was asked was, "Who is your favorite superhero?" and without a pause she said, "Dr Fisher!"  Hmmm, the lady on the phone didn't get it but I sure did!  Connie shared that with Doc and he was truly touched.

Anyhow...a week passes and Connie gets a phone call from Doc's office.  The question?  Did she want to move up her date?  She could have 8/28.  You wanna talk about head spinning?  She said she'd work on it and let them know in a day.  Did I mention that this was about Aug 20th that they called?  She needed some additional testing done and Doc said he would do all he could to expedite it but she went ahead and took August 28th as her rebirthday! 

Yes my friends...Connie is safely on the other side!   She had lap RNY, spent 3 days in the hospital and short of the gas pains from the CO2 she's doing great.  I took her Monday for her wound check and in 11 days she's lost 19 pounds.  She already has clothes that are getting baggy!  We are truly a RNY family now. 

So thanks again for caring so much about me and my family.  I'm still working on Carol and Connie making a website of their own.  It's just to much for me to maintain my site and create one for them too!  Maybe they will make a mother/daughter site.  That could work.

And one more thing....Carol is down 80 pounds too!  The century mark is right around the corner for her :o) 

9/20/02  Woohoo!! Alert the media....sound the bugles.....pour the flat non carbonated champagne (and toss in a sugar free jello shot or two!!!

It took a while and enough resumes to put a hurting on a small forest....but as of Monday September 30th, I will be employed at Pulte Homes :o) I'm really excited about this job and the opportunities to grow with them. Wish I could say that I've enjoyed my time off. I suppose if nothing else I got caught up on some much needed rest and got my health in order again. Bob has been home nearly the whole time with me recuperating from his rotator cuff surgery. We've gone from having no time together to being together 24/7 and ya know what? It's been nice!! But it's time for both of us to go back to work!

So here I go again.  This time I'm determined not to screw things up.  Still don't know what I did wrong, but I won't do it again.  I'll be working as an administrative assistant for one of the general sales managers at Pulte's main office here in Vegas.  It's going to be so nice to get dressed for work again and have a reason to get up in the morning.  The time off has been nice....but my house is clean, all the things I have been putting off doing have been done and so it's time to become a productive member of the work force.  Yippee skippee!!! 

And an update on Carol and Connie.  Carol is down 95 pounds as of our last support group.  And Connie has lost about 30 pounds in a month!  (she hasn't had an official weigh in on Doc's moo scale)

Again, I'd like to thank you all for your words of support and encouragement during this time.  I have a few more irons in the fire and have been seriously thinking about finding out how to write a book.  Many of you have suggested to me that I have a valuable story to tell, so maybe I'll stick my neck out and tell it!!

10/26/02  Well who wudda believed it?  Today is my anniversary!  Let's see who has been paying attention! Yup folks, today makes four years since my surgery.  Never ever in my life did I think that four years ago I would have come this far.  I prayed for the chance to be able to live a somewhat normal life.  I prayed for the chance to fit into regular clothes.  I prayed for the chance to live.  I got that chance and so very much more.

I usually send out a long post to my friends on OSSG.  Maybe I will and maybe I won't!  THis year I'm doing nothing special to celebrate.  In years past I've gotten a tattoo, jewelry, massages and gone out to dinner.  This year...nothing special.  Funny isn't it...how this has finally become a way of life.  What I do, what I eat...this is what is normal for me.  I don't obsess about food and what I'm going to eat next every waking minute.  My first thought in the morning isn't what I'm going to have for breakfast.  It's more what I have to do today!  My plate is very full, but not with food!

I did see Doc last week for my 4 year checkup.  He's very pleased with me.  Says my pouch is a little stretched but exactly what he would expect to see at four years out.  My body composition has changed.  But I already knew that just from the way clothes were fitting.  I am at 24% body fat which IMHO is pretty damn good!  And the picture that is on the front page....well folks I'm wearing size 8 Gloria Vanderbuilt jeans!  That is a major accomplishment in my book.  Heck I thought 8 was a shoe size! 

So much more to write about...but I'm too darn busy to tell ya's!  Work is good (thank goodness!)  I'm busy and work long days.  With travel I'm gone from around 7am and get home around 5:30.  My eating is in control but unfortunately I'm drinking too much coffee again.  I'm all too close to the coffee pot at work :o)

Carol and Connie are doing well.  Connie is pushing 40 pounds lost and Carol has joined the Century Club!  They both positively glow and I'm so very happy for them.  Hopefully soon we'll be working on their websites.  So you'll be able to see for yourselves just how far they've come.

Tomorrow we are having an Oktoberfest party in a local park.  The idea behind it is for everyone who has anything to do with WLS to come.  The preops get to meet the posties and their friends and families get to see that there is life after WLS.  And of course it's a chance to spend quality time with our family and socialize with Doc and Dr Jim too!  (We have a few surprised planned but I can't tell ya just in case Doc reads my journal!  Don't laugh!  He does spend time on our sites to kind of see what's going on with us.)

So for now that's about it.  One of these days when I'm feeling thoughtful and reflective I'll get back up on my soapbox and write more.

11/27/02  So here it is, Thanksgiving eve and I should be making stuffing, peeling assorted veggies and being on a mad cleaning frenzy around the house.  Instead I'm just vegging on the computer. 

I've been having a tough time of things lately.  Did you ever hear the joke about the man who told a buddy what a bad day he was having.  When his alarm clock went off he broke it.  He poured a cup of coffee and the handle broke off, he opened his door and the knob snapped off in his hand.  He says, "all day, I've been afraid to pee!"  Well that's kind of how my life has been lately. 

The good thing of course is my new job.  The people are wonderful.  We work hard and play equally hard.  But then life caught up with me.  I've been having a difficult time making ends meet and paying my monthly bills.  I realized that between surgeries and losing my job that I was out of work for 6 months this year.  We lived off our savings and now that is gone.  I'm behind on all too many bills and generally withdrawing from the world.  I shut the answering machine off so creditors couldn't call, I don't open the mail and I'm shutting down.  And also....not having "healthy" thoughts about my life in general.  Ok, so I won't say that I'm suicidal, but I must confess that I have thought about death too much lately.  More like if I were in an fatal accident, my pain would be gone and I wouldn't be to blame.  Maybe some of you can understand some of this.

Well, I have managed to keep my husband in the dark concerning our financial status but the time came that I had to tell him.  He said everything I needed to hear.  I should have felt relieved but I didn't.  I'm just going deeper and deeper into this dark black hole.  I suppose that once the reality of it all sunk in, hubby got angry and has started to send zingers at me.  Now in the mental state I'm in....well let's just say that I don't know how much more I can hurt.  I feel like a whipped puppy who is belly up peeing on itself. 

I had tried to see my pcp before I fessed up to hubby but was told I couldn't get in before December.  So I talked with Dr Fisher and asked him if he could get me in with my pcp.  (you see, they are good friends so I knew he could help)  Doc has been very supportive.  He says I'm a survivor and will make it through this.  I gotta tell you though...I'm not so sure.  I can take anything as long as Bob is with me.  That is my worst fear....that he will hate me for this and bail.  It's not that I doubt his love...but I'm so very frightened.  Anyhow...Doc got me in with my pcp on Monday.  We chatted for nearly an hour (what a great pcp I have!)  He put me on zoloft and I will be getting some counseling.  Ya think I need it?  It's not that I'm against counseling or therapy, but in some way I feel it makes me weak, admitting that I can't handle it all. 

So the holidays won't be the best for us.  We've pretty much canceled Christmas.  Of course, Christmas isn't about gifts but is about love, family and memories.  But I'm feeling such anger from Bob still...I don't know how I'll make it through this year.  But somehow I will.  I have to.
 

12/27/02  Well thank goodness.....it's nearly 2003!  I wish I could tell you that things were better for me, but I'd be lying if I did so.  Most importantly, I want to thank those of you who took the time to write me concerning my depression.  I've been low before but never as low as I am now.  This is a serious speed bump I've hit and I don't have a clue what's going to happen when I finally stop the car and check the damage.  (does any of that make sense?)

So here's what has been happening.  Seems that the zoloft just took the edge off my worries.  Pretty much numbed me to the pain but still my head kept going round and round.  I was getting maybe 3 hours sleep a night.  So I called my pcp and he ordered ativan for me.  That's helped a lot with the sleep, I'm up to about 5 hours a night.  My head still ticks off my worries but not 24/7/   More like 18/7!  So I went to see the doctor last week.  Did I mention what a great guy he is?  He said he rather me tell him I feel like shit than say I was better and not be better.  And that's pretty much what I did.  Told him I was marginally better.  Able to function but pretty much numb.  No sex drive or interest at all.  I get up, go to work, come home, check email and play Slingo for hours. 

So he took me off the zoloft and put me on zyprexa.  He explained that it's for schizophrenics and bipolar folks.  Not that I'm hearing voices in my head but he feels it will stop these intrusive thoughts and allow me to concentrate on work and life in general.  Started me on a low dose of 2.5 mgs and I can increase it to 5 if I wish.  It knocks me out at night (which is good) but I can't say I see a difference in my waking hours.  I can still take the ativan and was able to come off the zoloft with no problem.  If this doesn't work he's thinking prozac and something else.  He didn't say what that would be but that a combo of drugs may help. 

In the meantime, I have to find me a counselor.  It's hard to make these calls from my desk at work so I tend to sit in my car to make the calls.  Our insurance changes January 1st so I'll work on it then.  Right now....I just want to wrap myself in popping paper and hide in a closet till it's safe to come out.  I'm thinking a six month coma would work!  I'd wake up a size 2, hubby would have handled all the financial problems and would be over his anger when I woke up.  And then it wouldn't be my fault!  I just can't help it....but I feel as though I'm to blame for all this.  I know that depression isn't my fault, but I sure do feel like it is.

So who knows what the New Year will bring for me.  I do know I wish you all good health and great happiness.  And next time I write....let's hope it's with good news.

 12/30/02 
I just can't believe it.
It happened again.
I suppose I got settled in, content and somewhat happy,
Shame on me.
It must be me.
It's gotta be me>
What the hell is wrong with me that I can't keep a job?
Today my boss called me in, told me my probation was up today and he was letting me go.  "It just wasn't a match."  You just don't embrace the Pulte way of life>"  What the hell does that mean?
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know.
I just don't know.

1/16/03  First of all I want to thank all of you who took the time to write me and give me home and support.  My cyber family and friends are truly amazing people! 

And now for an update.  I'm feeling somewhat better but I believe that is due to the medication working.  It's not a cure but it's a help.  I guess they have finally leveled out in my blood stream and I'm able to function and even laugh and smile once in a while! 

Good news/bad news  I had exploratory laparoscopy last Friday to see if the GYN could find the source of my pain.  I've had abdominal pain for nearly 3 years, mostly when we have relations but frequently what I call walking around pain.  It hurts like hell and I hate it!  Well the good new is that the doctor found I have endometriosis.  OF course that could be the bad news too!  But at least there is a reason for my pain and it's not in my head.  It's real and now we can do something about it.  She zapped what she could see and said something to DH about medicating me for the rest.  I see her tomorrow to find out more.

I also started with a psychologist on Monday.  Really didn't get much done besides a history.  I see her again in about 2 weeks so keep your fingers crossed that we make a match and that she can help me.  If not...I'll move to the next doctor and see if that works!

Once again, thanks so much for caring, for praying and for sending your love and support.

3/13/03  At long last I am finally posting an update to this soap opera I call my life.  I've hesitated in writing an update until I had something positive to write about.  So much has gone wrong in the past few months.  I've been concentrating all my efforts in getting myself well and getting back on track.

Ok, let's see where we were.  Depression.  It sure is a tough road to travel.  I've changed psychologists (due to insurance) and am very happy with who I have been seeing.  He felt I was on the wrong medication and worked with my pcp to get my meds right.  I had a gain of 15-17 lbs while on the zyprexa.  Seems that's a side effect.  Just what I needed.  So I'm now on wellbutrin and happy to report that I've lost 13 pounds and plan on losing more.  While on the zyprexa I had terrible carb cravings and just couldn't control them no matter what I did.  I saw it, I knew it, but was helpless to stop it.  Finally that is under control again.  I'm seeing the psychologist about once a week.  He gives me lots to think about.  Don't know if it's the therapy or the meds that's helping but I sure am glad to see an improvement. 

I've also taken a part time job just to get some money coming in.  Still no luck on full time but for now this helps.  And you'll never guess where I'm working!  Lane Bryant  Talk about a reality check.  But it's really been an education for me.  At first I was concerned that the customers would have problems with me...a size 8 working in a plus size store.  But everyone has been wonderful.  I've talked to so many people about my surgery....drumming up business for Doc!  Actually I don't push it on people or volunteer the info.  I may mention that I used to be bigger and some ask what I did to lose the weight.  Then and only then do I tell.  Also this job has served as a reminder to me, of where I was and what I don't want to go back to.    When all is said and done, it's done me a world of good to get out of the house and be active again.  All part of getting better. 

Financially we are slowly on the road to recovery.  Things were looking very bad and in a last ditch effort to avoid credit counseling or BK I applied online to lendingtree.com  I got a call from one of the companies wanting more information.  In the course of our conversation I mentioned that I used to work in credit for Household Bank.  This man said he did too, when they first came to Las Vegas.  So did I!  I said, "who the hell am I talking to?"  He said "Scott!  OMG! It's you Sue!!"  So he set to work right away on a debt consolidation/refinance for us.  He worked darn hard on this and I am happy to say that we will be going to settlement next week.  I'll still have a few bills to take care of but the majority will be paid off.  With this loan we will be saving nearly $1700 a month.   So if anyone in Nevada is interested in refinancing, I promised Scott I would post his email:  RyzdynskiS@Americasmoneyline.com  If you drop him a note be sure to mention my name! 

And finally about the endometriosis.  It took some doing but my insurance company is paying for a Lupron injection for me.  This will put me into instant menopause for 3 months.  Seems the only way to stop endometriosis is to stop all hormones.  Menopause does that.  So say a prayer for my husband that I don't become psycho woman!!  Poor guy, he's been through hell and back with me.

So my friends, that's it for now.  As always I thank you for your caring and concern and for the many supportive emails I receive from you.  Keep your fingers crossed that I find a real job, ok?

5/17/03  Howdy!!  Long time no write.  I know, I know....but at last I finally have some good news to report.  I got a job, and it's the job I've wanted and hoped for!  Ya know...it's funny how life works.  Things have been so bad for me these past 3,4,5,6 months.  I've sunk to lows I never knew existed.  I've fought hard to get my life back in order, my ducks in a row.  Now I'm not going to tell you all those duckies are where they need to be (we still got a few stragglers) but they are starting to line up.

Now I'm going to have to backtrack a little to tell the whole story. 
About a month ago I got a call from Doc office.  I was told that this was no joke...they had the Oprah show on the other line and they wanted my phone number to speak with me about coming on a future show.  GULP!  Well I said yes of course!!  (figure a trip to Chicago will be fun, and maybe the Cubbies would be in town!)  So I hung up with Doc's office and a few minutes later a producer from OW called.  We spoke for over an hour.  Seems they were doing a show on super weight losses.  You may have seen the show.  Oprah gave a 64K car to a man.  Anyhow...she asked that I FedEx my photo album to them and email pictures too.  I did so and then heard nothing for several weeks.  I was more upset that they had my pictures than anything else.  So I emailed the producer and she responded with apologies for not getting back to me sooner.  They didn't use me for the show but have several more planned and hope to use me then.  And she also sent me my pictures back.  So who knows...you may be seeing me with my new best friend, Oprah!

So that was a good thing...  Then I get a call from the Bellagio (on my cell no less!)  I called back and was asked if I would like to interview for a job.  I hesitated to say this, but I asked the lady, "what job did I apply for?"  You see, I've sent out a slew of apps and resumes...didn't have a clue!!  It was for an auditor in the accounting department.  So I went for the interview 2 days later and left feeling pretty positive.  The pay was ok, benefits good, shift good and I could continue to work at LB.  Gloria (who interviewed me) told me she was sending my app to HR for a background check and then a drug test.  She said I'd be hearing from them in about 2 weeks.  So I was feeling pretty good!!

Now while all this is going on...Doc announces on our local group's board that a position has opened up in his office and he was accepting resumes.  I of course, faxed mine in!!  Didn't hear anything but in the meantime I saw Doc for my 4.5 year checkup.  (I'll tell you about that later.)  Doc and I spoke about the job and he assured me that I would get an interview. 

Didn't hear anything for about a week, though I was aware that interviews were happening.  I kept wondering what was going on but the coward in me hesitated to bother Doc.  At our Spring Fling I asked him if the office manager was still interviewing.  Doc told me that she was under the impression that since I was working at LB that I wasn't interested in the job.  He said he straightened her out!! 

So sure enough, Monday I get a phone call for an interview.  We set it up for the end of the week, 11:30 on Friday the 9th.  Meantime I get a call from the Bellagio to go for a drug test.  So I'm thinking that one way or another...things are looking up.  Friday rolls along, I interview with the office manager, then with Doc and Dr Jim.  Because I know both of them so well I'm very relaxed and at ease.  Again, I felt it went well...but lately I sure can't trust my instincts.  I leave the office and go for my drug test.

Now we were planning on going to a 51's game (AAA team for the Dodgers) with some friends.  Bob was napping and I was outside with the dogs.  The phone rings around 6pm.  It's the office manager.  She hems and haws.  Tells me that after I left she had a meeting with both doctors about the candidates.  I'm pretty sure that I'm about to be let down.  I can't take it any more and tell her to spit it out!!  And go figure...she asks me to join their family!!  Yup!!  I'm working for Doc and Dr Jim now!!  I'm the new patient coordinator.  The difficult thing is that I can't tell anyone because they can't notify the other applicants till Monday.  So I only tell Bob.  And yes, I thought I was going to burst!!  That night at the ball game, we had a small rain shower and there in the sky appeared a double rainbow.  I've never seen one in my life but I sure do think it was a sign that things are on the upswing for me. 

So I started work this past Monday.  Now I don't know all the title means but I'm happier than the proverbial pig to be there :o)  It's been like old home week.  I'm seeing people that I haven't seen in years.  Lots of hugs and smiles!  It feels so good to work hard, sleep fast and bounce out of bed, ready to face the day instead of wanting to pull the covers over my head. 

Did I mention this would be a long post??  Ok, more stuff.....Doc asked me if Carol, Connie and I would consent to be in a commercial for his program as a family that has successfully lost weight.  Of course we said yes.  And even better....Dr Jim asked me if I would be on a billboard!!  OMG!  I'll literally be larger than life!  I think it's going to be like your classic picture...me in the leg of my old pants.  But the hard thing is that I don't have any of my old clothes!  See, I hated them so much that I got rid of them all.  Didn't keep a thing.  But fortunately we have a clothing exchange with boxes of extra size clothes.  So I'm heading there tomorrow to see what I can find.  Chances are...some of my old clothes are there!  After all, not too many of us wore 6X.  A size 32 was snug on me. 

And finally the latest on my health.  Since the last time I wrote I've been having bad, bad headaches.  Every single day for 6 or 7 weeks before I went to the doctor about them.  He said they were tension headaches and gave me 2 shots to the base of my skull.  They were supposed to be nerve blocks.  Well, they didn't work!!  So I did some research on my own and found that topomax (a anti-seizure drug) is sometimes used to treat migraines and bad headaches.  So I asked my pcp about it.  He agreed to try me on it.  Well, the headache was gone in a day!!  I couldn't believe it.  You can't imagine how good it felt not to have my head throbbing.  And one of the side effects of topomax??  Weight loss!!  Now I don't know if it's the new job or the medicine, but I'm down to 161 and can see the 150's just around the corner.  Doc is pleased as can be with my results.  Told me he never thought I'd get below 200.  Said I've lost more weight, a higher % of my mass than any of his patients.  He said he wouldn't be a bit angry if I stayed a size 8 at 165 lbs!!  I told him I was working towards a 6 and he said he didn't think I'd be happy there.  I don't know...but I sure do want to see what it feels like!!

Wow...I'm tired.  That was a lot to catch up on.  I know I've said it before and I'll no doubt say it again...but I'll try not to fall as far behind.  

8/10/03  I know....I promise and I promise....but life tends to get in the way.  Isn't that a wonderful thing?  Well just a couple more days and I will have officially made my probation.  I don't think the docs are going to get rid of me.  Pretty sure I've found myself a home.  The past 3 months have been a real learning experience.  I know a lot about WLS but working in a doctor's office has been a trip!  It's busy, it's chaotic, it's fun, it's just amazing!  I laugh with the patients and I've cried with more than a few too.  One of the more difficult things I've had to do is draw a line between Sue the WLS person and Sue the employee.  There are times I've wanted to reach out to someone, but as an employee I haven't been able to.  It's been frustrating, but when I do see the person later...a hug makes us both feel so much better. 

Still working 2 jobs, financially playing catch up.  Just seems that we'll never get ahead.  Next month Bob and I will be married 25 years.  Hard to believe, isn't it?  And add on that we dated for 4 year before we married...well I've been with him for darn near forever!  This year I told him that he has to make the plans for our anniversary.  For 24 year it's been me.  I've come up with the money, where to go, what to do....trying to make it special.  All I wanted to do this year was to reaffirm our vows.  After all we've been through this year, it's something I'd very much like to do.  But he just doesn't get it.  Let me tell you what happened on my wedding day...and maybe you'll get it....

I was over 200 pounds on my wedding day.  I never got to shop for my wedding gown.  Never got to go to David's Bridal and try on all the gowns and feel like a princess.  My mother came home one day and announced that she was buying a second hand gown from a friend and I would wear this.  It was too small and needed to be altered.  The seamstress had to add 2 panels to the sides...2 very visible panels (at least they were to me.)  Now at the time, this was all ok.  I was getting married...having a wedding...getting out of the house...and happy as I could be. 

Now we are at the church, they unfurled the carpet runner...Mom and Dad were with me in the vestibule, the organist was playing and the people were turning to watch.  My brother was there to escort Mom to her seat after she put the veil over my face.  It was the moment of my dreams...I was at last a bride...it was...for the first time in my life...truly all about me.  I began to cry tears of joy.  And my mother...as she lifted the veil over my face said, "you're fat!  fat, fat, fat....and fat brides don't cry."

 I know in my heart that she didn't say this to be cruel.  She wanted to make me smile, to stop me from crying.  But these were the words that I heard before I walked down the aisle.  I can forgive her these words because they were never meant with malice or cruelty...but I can't forget the pain.  I need to erase of this tape.  This is one of the reasons why I want to reaffirm our vows.  I want/need another wedding day.  I need new memories.  I want a gown that I pick.  I want to be a thin bride, not a fat, fat, fat bride who tore out the sides of her gown during the reception. 

But like I said.  He just doesn't get it.  I guess it's a guy thing.  So this year...Bob is making the anniversary plans.  I told him that I don't care if we go to the drive in, or camp out at Lake Mead.  I just don't want to have to worry about it this year.  Let's see what he can do!  My only worry is what to get him :o) 

On to happier subjects...I'm holding at around 157 and have fit into size 6's!  I'm surprised you all didn't hear me screaming from the fitting room at JC Penney's.  It never ceases to amaze me that I'm always alone when I fit into a new size. 

Well that's it for now my friends.  Got me a nasty head cold today but still have laundry to do and a house to somewhat clean.  Till next time...

9/25/03  Been thinking about posting an update for several weeks.  All's quiet right now, so it seems a good time to do it.  Let's see, what's been happening in my life....

Well, we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary on September 9th.  Didn't reaffirm our vows.  I still wanted to but he just wouldn't go for it.  And ya know what, it's ok.  Bottom line....he's still here and we're still together.  We had a quiet dinner, just the 2 of us (as it should be!)  Bob gave me a beautiful necklace.  I'm sure you've seen the style.  Three diamonds stacked...signify yesterday, today and tomorrow.  So I guess he thinks that even though we've been through hell this past year....that we are still together and well stay together....and that is something I've always known in my heart.

Weight...I'm still losing, ever so slowly.  Down to 155 now.  I'm determined to get to 149, just for a minute.  And let me tell you why!  Remember the scales with the weights at your doctor's office?  The one that couldn't weigh us?  Sometimes they could find the 100lb weight to put on it so it would weigh up to 400 lbs I think.  Remember that beast?  Well, I want to move the notch.  Just for a minute....I want to move the weight from 150 to 100.  I want to weigh 100 + something.  Then if I hover between 150 and 155 that will be find.  But for a heartbeat I'll be 100 + something.  And I'll treasure that feeling.

Still working 2 jobs...it's exhausting most days.  Basically I work 6 days a week then my day "off" I'm cleaning house and doing laundry.  Hell, no wonder I'm too pooped to pop!  Next month is my 5 year anniversary of my surgery.  Trying to find the time to get my labs and UGI done.  Funny, working in a doctors office you'd think that wouldn't be a problem....but getting away is! 

I think with my next post, I'll start a new journal page....for the 2nd five years.  Whatcha think??

10/26/2003  Well here it is, my five year anniversary of my surgery.  Thought it was a good idea to start a new journal page, for the 2nd five years!  Gosh, I don't know if I'll keep journaling that long...but I'll try. 

First an update on what's been going on.  Work is still wonderful.  It's such a great thing to get out of bed and actually look forward to going to work.  Each day brings new rewards, new joys.  I feel like I really can make a difference and that means so very much to me. 

I gave my notice at Lane Bryant because I'm scheduled to have a hysterectomy over Thanksgiving.  I'm thinking it will be hard enough to work at job #1 without working 2 jobs.  After the holidays I'll go back (if they will have me!)  Friday the 24th was to have been my last day but.....well things happen ya see.  Like emergency appendectomies.

So I had 3-4 days of stomach pain, on and off...didn't think much of it.  Then Thursday it came back to stay.  I asked Brian our PA if it had anything to do with the meds I was on.  He said no, so I just continued working.  Our patients commented several times that I didn't look good.  I was a hurtin' puppy.  By lunchtime I could hardly walk upright.  I sat hunched over at the table, couldn't sit up straight to eat so just laid my head on the table and wished the pain away...counting the hours till work was over.  Lunchtime was over...back to work.  Don't really know what happened.  I was working, said something to one of the girls, she replied and next thing I knew I was in tears.  Not just little tears...big, sobbing, shoulder shaking tears.  The girls are pushing me back to an exam room, Brian appears out of nowhere, I crawl onto the exam table and oh yeah...he wants me to lie flat!!  NOT!  He touches my belly and I pretty much hit the ceiling.  Doc comes in, he pokes, prods and asks if I still have my appendix.  I weakly said...yes.  He says, "not for much longer kid!"   Bob gets called.  He suddenly appears, I get whisked to the hospital.  Lot's of fuss.  Then I hear Doc's voice.  He gets me in a wheelchair and pushes me to CT for a scan then takes my blood to the lab himself!  He says all the signs point to my appendix so we are off to the OR.  Couple of hours later I wake up...no appendix anymore!  But go figure, my appendix was ok!  Doc says he checked out everything he could see.  No ovarian cyst, checked my bowels, my uterus, found adhesions and gallstones but nothing to give me the pain I had.  He said he has no regrets about operating as I had all the symptoms and if it was my appendix and burst...well that would have been bad.  He thinks that I may have had a kink in my bowel that got unkinked when he pumped me with the CO2.    So I guess the good thing was that I don't have an incision...it was lap surgery.  Only spent one night at the hospital.  Bad news...out of work for a week.  I'm not happy about that!  Especially since I'm supposed to be having a hysterectomy in about 4 weeks!  Hope this doesn't complicate that. 

So that's my big news...and now, for my anniversary post....

To my friends and online family
to the people who have made such a difference to me (you know who you are!)

Five years ago...I was dying.  My poor, tired body was giving out on me.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't walk and when I did my knees crunched with every step.  I could barely stand upright without excruciating pain, I had sleep apnea, I was prediabetic, my blood pressure was going crazy,

Five years ago...I had no hope.  There was nothing for me.
Five years ago...food was my only comfort, my only friend.  I ate myself into a stupor, into an unfeeling, oblivious coma.  I tried to eat away the pain. 
Five years ago...I gave up.

But then...

Five years ago today...I was given yet another chance.  Not a second chance or a third chance.  I had many of them.  This was my last chance.  My last, best chance.  A chance to live.  A chance to maybe, just maybe...be successful...to get control over my body, over my appetite, over this uncontrollable urge to eat myself to death. 

Five years ago today...I was given hope.
Five years ago today...I had my WLS
Five years ago today...I started a new chapter of my life.  A part of my life that I've been fortunate enough to travel with many of you. 

In the past five years I've changed.  Physically, mentally and spiritually.  Some changes have come easy.  Some have been incredibly hard.  Some lessons I'm still learning, some I have yet to learn. 

People have come into my life, and others have moved on.  So many have made such a difference to me...I hope that in some way I have been able to make a difference to them. 

With special thanks, love and gratitude to Dr Fisher, for taking me on as a patient...warts and all!! 

11/09/2003  Once in a while I'm good and actually post updates somewhat frequently.  I'm feeling pretty good considering I had surgery just 2 weeks ago and I'll be having another surgery in 2 more weeks!  Been busy all day doing my "nesting" thing.  Seems that before surgery I tend to go on a cleaning and cooking frenzy.  So maybe through Thanksgiving my house will be somewhat neat.

I had a call from the local blood bank on Thursday.  They tell me that they tested my blood on the last donation.  I'm braced for bad news.  Thinking about one of the alphabet Hepatitis things...she starts talking about platelets and that mine are extremely high and do I know what that means?  Nope I don't!  Well of course it means they now want my platelets.  Seems they can use them for burn victims and they are low now.  I don't mind giving blood, and I do the pheresis now.  You know...they take out the good stuff, kind of looks like beer, and give you back what they can't lose.  It's a long donation but I do it every 6 weeks.  Well they tell me this platelet thing is every 3 days!  But I told this nice lady that I was having surgery and thought it would be a good idea to hold onto what I had.  Matter of fact, I think I'm going to call Dr Shopnick and see if she wants to check out my blood before surgery since I had such a tough time after my arms and legs were done.

And the news of the past 2 weeks.  Well I was contacted by a Japanese tv show.  Seems they do a weekly show in Japan and will be doing a 2 hour special and came across this site.  They would be interested in filming me.  How about that!  I spoke with one of the producers several times and it looks like after Christmas they will be coming to Las Vegas.  Sounds like fun :o)  Then a few days after that I got an email from a very nice lady from the BBC.  She too discovered this site and we did a phone interview.  They are doing a story on obesity, drugs, fads and surgery in the UK.  They will be following a teenager in California who is having WLS and may also come to Vegas....So looks like I've gone international too!! 

And hopefully you've seen or rather heard my radio interview with Dan Schulz.  It's on the Home page....scroll down, just under my pictures and take a listen!! 

That's it for now...I guess more after my surgery. 

1/9/04  The worlds best intentions....yup once again I'm apologizing for not updating for some time.  I've certainly thought about it...but by now you know me!  So here's the latest on what's been going on with me the past two months. 

I had my hysterectomy on November 21st.  A LAVH/BSO  That translates into a complete hysterectomy (uterus, ovaries and cervix done laparoscopically)  The surgery itself was uneventful and that's good!  It was to be at 1:30 in the afternoon which really sucks.  Let me tell you...even though I don't eat much, just hanging around half the day waiting to have surgery and not having ANYTHING by mouth is pretty darn hard.  I wasn't able to take any of my meds of course so I got me a walloping migraine by the time the doctor came to see me.  Thank goodness she gave me a wee bit of demerol that took the worst of it away till they managed to put me out.  Next thing I knew I was waking up on recover.  Gotta love that, ya know?  Sometimes I wish that I could sleep through all painful, distasteful things like that and wake up when they were all over. 

Ok course, me being me...there is always some drama that is going to happen.  Sooooo, I didn't get to a room till about 5pm.  Now while I was in recovery the nurse was wonderful about pain relief.  Every time I asked she gave me something.  I was getting demerol every 15 minutes in my IV.  So when I got to my room I thought I was going to be on a PCA.  Well that was wrong!  The nurse came in, introduced me to a student nurse and started to get me situated.  I asked for something for pain and here's where things got ugly.  She told me that I couldn't have anything till 11pm.  Huh?!  You mean I have to wait 5 hours for pain meds?  Yup says she.  Your doctor ordered blah, blah and blah every blah blah hours and you had whatever in recovery.  I'm in terrible pain NOW but I'm still somewhat woozey from the anesthesia so doze for a few minutes.  Wake up again and tell her that I'm at an 8 and really need something for the pain.  She again tells me no way!  The student creates a heating pad for me with a wet blanket that she microwaves and wraps in those blue things.  It helps a little but not much.  Every single time that nurse came in I asked for something for pain and every single time she told me no.  I can take pretty well but this was awful.  I'm not one to make a scene.  I kept telling her how much this hurt but nothing.  Nope, no way.  Hubby left around 10 and at last she came in to give me my shot...oooooohhh...at 10:45.  Big deal...15 minutes early!  And she was sure to tell me that she gave it to me early!  Now it was up to me to watch the clock and be sure that I continued to ask for meds every 4 hours so my pain didn't get out of control again. 

Now here's where it really gets fun.  My roommate (who did not have English as a first language) seemed to have a problem where every time she  passed gas she pooped the bed.  So if she wasn't calling people on her phone, telling them that she was in hell and they shouldn't leave her alone, or carrying on in general, she was messing the bed.  She was up all night and so was I!  The staff changed her and the bed 3 times that night.  There was shit on the floor, the odor was terrible and I WAS IN PAIN!  Yeah right, try and get a pain shot during this!  Around 5am Nurse Ratched came and pulled my catheter and informed me that I was to get up and pee.  After a few hours I did...or at least tried to, but dear roomie had used the bathroom and there was shit all over the place.  I asked if there was another bathroom I could use as I really didn't want to walk through this...Nope, I had to wait for someone to clean it and get the "hat" for me to use.  And on it went....so when my doctor came that afternoon and I told her about my night, she was ticked that she wasn't called about my pain.  So was I!  But ya know, it shouldn't have been up to me to insist that the doctor be called.  The nurse should have recognized the pain I was in and believed me when I told her.  Just because I wasn't moaning, groaning and yelling didn't mean I wasn't in excruciating pain.  The doctor should have been made aware of this.  She would have ordered me something for pain.  She certain didn't want me to suffer for 5-6 hours.  The meds I was on in recovery were meant to last for 15 minutes so of course when I got to my room they had worn off.  She should have given me something as soon as I got settled.  Then I would have been good for several hours.  She blew it big time!  Anyhow...the doctor asked if I would like to go home rather than stay in that room (the smell, the shit, the pain) and I said "get me outta here!"   So I came home from a total hysterectomy in about 24 hours. 

I do wish I had done more research about what happens after a hysterectomy.  I didn't have a clue.  Fortunately someone told me about www.hystersisters.com and they saved me.  I learned so very much from them.  I've done ok as far as hot flashes and such go but the exhaustion is just terrible.  I had to go back to work in 2 weeks and toss Christmas on top of that and Susie has been one tired cookie. My iron is dropping and I go for another ferritin check this month.  Once it hits 50 Dr Shopnick will give me an infusion.  She says it's too hard to get my levels up so she doesn't want me to get too low. 

We had a small Christmas this year.  Money is tight so we kept things very small.  Had some family and friends over on Christmas Eve and I made a small dinner for Bob and I.  It was really nice.  Kind of a reality check.  I think we both realized how much money we've spent in other years.  This year we had a budget and kept to it.  So our gifts were bought with a great deal of thought and love.  And that makes a difference.

The shadow on our Christmas has been our oldest dogs.  Pumpkin is 17 and has a very bad case of doggie dementia. She wanders the house in circles, stares into corners, she's pretty much blind so is always banging into furniture, and recently has forgotten where the doggy door is so pretty much goes whenever and where ever she wants. That also includes your lap. At 3am she's playing with her froggie and the rest of the day she's sleeping or going around the coffee table 14 times. She's losing weight and obviously failing.  Peaches (my baby) has been hobbling on three legs for months now. Doesn't seem to hurt her. The vet says it's arthritis so we give her a baby aspirin a day.  But she too is rapidly loosing weight and seems to have a growth in her mouth that is preventing her from eating. She's 16 and I love her so very much.  I weighed her the other day and she has gone from 17 pounds to eleven.  She's starving to death.  So we've reached the difficult decision that it's time to put our dogs to sleep.  It's selfish of us to keep them alive at this point.  These dogs have trusted us with their lives, and as responsible pet owners we must do for them what we can, and that includes putting them to sleep before they truly start to suffer. It will be hard, and I know we both will cry buckets. But it's something we must do.  I think I have found a vet who will come to the house, sedate the girls and then put them to sleep.  I think this will be better for us all.  Especially since they so hate going to the vets.  This way they will just think that someone is there to pet them!  And I have 2 friends who own a pet cemetery who have kindly offered to cremate the dogs and give us their ashes as well as a plaque with their little paw prints.  Oh my this is going to be so very hard to do....  So we will just have Joey left.  But at least we will have one dog.  I have never...never since I can remember...been without a dog in my life.  I'm sure we will get another....but it's going to be tough to find another dog that will measure up to these two. 

My goodness I've run on, haven't I?  Ok, hystie, dogs, Christmas...what else?  I've heard nothing else from the Japanese tv show.  Maybe I will and maybe I won't.  A reporter for the WB has contacted me.  They are doing a story for the 10:00 news on WLS and want to come to my house for an interview.  First I have to remove the Christmas decorations though!  Obesityhelp contacted me about using my reconstructive surgery pictures for their magazine.  I don't know....I did ask for some compensation for the use of my photos.  Ya know..I've put myself and my nudie pictures on the internet in order to help others, to pay it forward.  But for a magazine to use them, a magazine that has paid subscribers and advertisers....well I think I do have some value and that I should be compensated in some manner.  Not to mention that I do have bills to pay! 

And on that note, it's late and it's time for me to get to bed.  I hope the New Year brings all good health, quick surgery approvals, speedy recoveries, surgeons with guided hands, understanding minds and gentle hearts.